HEARTLINES| JOURNAL

It’s not been a great summer, and my normal enthusiasm for Autumn is non-existent.

I’m currently sat on my bed, recovering from a 3 day migraine, which I thought yesterday I was going to die from, feeling very bitter and resentful that my cat is having a shit-ton more fun than me, curled up on a letter from my bank, fast asleep.

I’ve been pretty absent in the blogging scene so far this year and even though no one appears to read my blog, I thought I would document why I have been so MIA, just in case someone drops by.

The start of the year saw me immerse myself fully into a motorhome obsession, which laid me to then buying one. I spent quite a lot of time renovating it and painting bits here and there and actually living in it for a few months. A genuine interest which soon turned to complete disaster and has now resulted in me putting it up for sale. I had planned on blogging the whole journey, but something always stopped me. I realise now it was probably the lack of trust that it was the right thing to do.

I have explained in previous posts the reason behind the motorhome; it wasn’t a purchase-on-a-limb.. It was a well thought out project to enable me to have my own space and live independently but still be close to home. Where I’m needed.

Anyway, complete write off. Moving on…

Spring. My mother’s health starts declining again and she is diagnosed with Osteoperosis. This is an ongoing problem and causes a lot of stress and worry on my part. Something I have experienced my whole life. I cannot remember a time when I have not been worried about her health, and I just pray (in my own little way) that it doesn’t get any worse than this.

Alongside said stress and worry, came the difficulties at work and in my friendship circle. Everything felt so turbulent and for a very long time, I felt as though I didn’t have anyone to turn to. To talk.

And not be judged.

Because that’s something I’ve felt up against so much this year.

Being judged and misunderstood by those I previously thought had my back, in times which have been extremely dark for me.

Spring also saw me go to the doctor and explain said dark feelings and after admitting just how tough everything seemed, she prescribed anti-depressants and told me to self-refer for talking therapy again.

Well, the anti-depressants were a complete and utter shit storm of near death experiences and the realisation that because of my M.E. my intolerance and sensitivity to medication was all too strong to continue.

And as for the talking therapy (which is so what I need), the only day they don’t work is the only day I don’t either.

So I’m back to square one, considering private £50 a session counselling which I can’t afford and wondering what the point is anymore in seeking help.

Off you go with a prescription and a leaflet but there doesn’t seem to be anything beyond that.

If the talking therapy lot don’t work 5 days a week, you’re stuffed.

If prescription meds are too strong, you’re stuffed.

For now its chocolate cake and Bach’s Rescue Remedy. (Not sponsored)

Moving on to end of Summer, beginning of Autumn.

My grandfather has a bout of shingles and is admitted to hospital for 2 months.

At 90 years old, he’s always been a resilient man, but watching his health decline has been a horrible thing.

His mobility, which was not great before the shingles, has worsened and now he is back home with my Granny, things are more stressful than ever.

I just wish I could do more to care for them on a daily basis. And care for my mother too.

If that could become my full time job I’d do it.

Then there is my own physical health.

My M.E. has been worse than ever this year and I guess that’s because of the stress I’ve been under. I find I feel worse when I’m very worried.

Holding down a 36 hour a week job is also getting the better of me.

I’m having more sick days than I would like and although I have an understanding team who can see when I’m struggling, it does make me wonder for how much longer I can really keep it up.

And that freaks me out so much.

I recently flew out to Norway to stay with my very lovely friends again. I was so ill leading up to going and the day before I was bed ridden with a temperature, but something in me rose above it and convinced my poorly state to get a grip and go.

Honestly? It was difficult to go while everyone was so unwell and things seemed so unsettled with the family, but I knew I needed a break from it. Something I very rarely give in to.

The pressure and worry had been eating away at my already prominent depression and to get away would be the calm in among the tornado that I needed to gather stock and come back refreshed and more able to cope.

And while I would have loved blogging to be my saviour through all this chaos of mind and body, I couldn’t bring myself to write. And as an aspiring Journalist, this has worried senseless too.

I think seeing all the glossy blogs out there with their successes and brand triumphs, I feared writing from the heart. Because I don’t know if that’s what people want from a blog anymore.

The raw, unfiltered, un-edited version of someone’s heart.

Their soul.

But here I am. With my heart and my soul.

Risking it.

I am going to blog more, but it will be more this style. Rather than advice and reviews and beauty hauls I can’t afford.

The style I’ve always seen blogging as.

From the heart.

Raw.

And honest.

Amy

BLOGGING / HEALTH UPDATE|DIARY

Happy old Amy is back with another happy update…

But what truly defines happy anyway?

So I've blogged three times this year and to the normal human being ( but what truly defines normal), it would be a clear indication that my commitment to blogging has faded and the only way forward now would be to sever all links to the internet, delete everything and go back from whence I came.

However, it's not quite like that for me. I still love having a blog, and I love writing for it and I love knowing people have read my posts. But, these days, thanks to my ever worsening condition, I genuinely have very little energy left after a 9 hour shift and 36 hour week to do anything other than eat dinner and fall asleep.

Let me give you a little context…

As you can read on the "about me" page, I suffer from a chronic illness called M.E.
I have done since I was seven years old and have gone through stages of my 19 year battle with it experiencing different levels of symptoms and numerous 'flare ups'.

(I am planning on writing a blog post dedicated to living with M.E., so I won't go into it too heavily now.)

At the moment, and for the past few months, I am finding it increasingly more difficult to get through each day, and doing anything other than my shifts at work, is near to impossible.

Including putting pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, engaging my brain to create.
And that makes me very sad.

I want my career to be in writing. I desperately want my blog to grow and have wonderful content. I very much would like to continue my Journalism course I have started but have no energy to pick back up.

My heart and soul is in writing; my body says no.
And if writing is too difficult, what else is there? If writing is too difficult, how the hell am I still on my feet all day every day rushing around?

All of my energy (literally all), is being put in to work and keeping my job. But I know, I can feel, this cannot go on for much longer. I am running out of energy, and most of all, strength.

My limbs are now so weak, I wake up feeling like I have trekked the Amazon jungle. A heavy dull ache consuming my legs and my head feeling like it's been stuffed with cotton wool.
And the struggle is all too real to force myself out of bed and go to work.
It's not where I should be and the time for complete burn out is lingering in the not so distant future.

And that's a worry. A big worry.

So blogging has taken a back seat and I've missed it terribly. And I'm not going to make any promises to blog daily or weekly or even monthly. I will blog when I have the strength and energy, and that may be tonight or tomorrow and then again in a few weeks; who knows?

But I do miss it, and if there was any way I could dedicate more time to it, I would.

All that remains this morning (it's 6.50am) is to finish my coffee & croissant and get ready for work. No im not feeling fit enough and no im not looking forward to it, but it is what it is.

From the epitome of happiness itself,

Amy x

My Love/Hate Friendship with Autumn

 

If I’m being completely honest, which I feel I should be here, September has come and is going far quicker than I ever thought it would. This year was supposed to turn into something much different to what it has and the month of September held a very significant point to all of it. Alas, things have not happened the way I thought they were going to at the start of the year and now this time of year holds a very bitter sweet existence in my life. Where I absolutely adore autumn and the magical beauty the season brings, I am sorely reminded that I am not in the place I thought I would be and instead, I find myself alone, at 3 in the morning doing everything I can to distract myself from thinking about the one thing that used to bring me so much joy, but which now exists only as a forbidden memory within my scarred mind. Which I spend hours trying to ignore and which is still finding ways to creep into my thoughts when I’m least expecting it, when my guard is down. And it’s annoying. Really really annoying. After all of my hard work and strength to ease my mind and thoughts from the misery it’s known, for it all to be threatened by a moments reminder of such harrowing times. It’s just annoying.

I can only describe it as corner of the eye phenomena… You know when (in literal terms) you see something in the corner of your eye and if you’re not scared, turn your head to catch a glimpse of what it was taunting you? But what if it’s something a bit more sinister that’s hanging around in that corner of your eye, on in my case mind? You’re not so quick to turn your head then to confront this annoying presence of unknown entity. And you stare straight in front of you keeping your head completely still, not looking round once. Not acknowledging it for one second, because you know if you do, you’ll be consumed by this terrifying force that is primed and waiting to pounce on your soul and destroy every last bit of the strength you’ve gone to so much trouble to build. So yeah, this tormented memory is lingering around in the corner of my mind, as though it belongs there (which it doesn’t) and every so often it will creep round so far into my thoughts enough to make me acknowledge it and with nowhere to run or look away, I see it and I think about it. But I still have the power over this thing. Because I have not let it consume me. Not once. And I certainly don’t intend on letting it ever consume me. For the times when it did, when I was living the horror of this memory, I know it’s a place I never want to enter again. And that’s good enough knowledge to bring myself back from stepping into its being.

This is heavy!

image

Also, with the coming of Autumn, means my M.E. is putting in quite the effort to show its ugly face and I am currently feeling the force of it, like I haven’t done for a few years. I notice my M.E. a lot more during season change and Autumn is no exception. I am having some very unwell days at the moment and so far, I have only been sent home ill from work once in the last couple of months, but I fear as we go deeper into the season, that might just increase.

I’ve had M.E. since I was 7 years old so 17 years later, I can safely say I’m quite well acquainted with what to expect. It hasn’t been this bad in absolutely ages and I feel completely floored by it. It’s honestly knocked me for six. I’m spending all day every day in pain all over struggling to walk up and down the stairs without a dull ache soaring through my legs, my back feels like someone is running over it with an army tank and the rest of feels pretty similar. I don’t think there is one part of me that isn’t effected. Aside from the severe aches and pains which are foremost at the moment, comes a myriad of other problems that goes with it. Such as constant tiredness, sleep pattern problems (which is why I’m writing this morbid essay at 3.30am), brain fog and concentration difficulties, memory issues, colds and other infections, raised and painful glands, irritability and sensitivity to just about everything which effects all of the senses. This is all alongside holding down an 8.30am – 6pm job which sees me on my feet all day moving around an awful lot, with only an hour at lunch to flop myself down on the nearest chair and eat, whimper, repeat until it’s time to go back to the grind.

I’d be interested to find out if any other M.E. sporter experiences flare ups during season change as I seem to get this each time. Just not spring to summer but I think that’s because no one in the history of ever, can tell the flaming difference between the two! And if you can then you probably have special powers and should be knighted by the queen. And dame hood if you’re a girl, obvs. And if you’re not an M.E. expert, you can read more about it here if you so wish.

But I do love Autumn and always get excited when it arrives, I just have a few difficulties during it. It brings so many exciting things like brown crunchy leaves which fall to the ground and conveniently collect in big piles so someone walking along can come and have fun buoyantly kicking them into the air bringing them back to life and making the kicker and cruncher entirely happy. And there’s Halloween, and darker evenings and mornings, and the return of woollen knitwear and great telly. Because who agrees TV shows greatly improve once we reach autumn? 🙋🏻 I mean, there’s Doctor Who and Strictly Come Dancing and The Great British Bake Off and The Apprentice and some exciting new drama always starts one the BBC, so really, Autumn is the place to be… Just with Paracetamol and a hot water bottle if you’re me. Gosh, don’t I build the most stylish of pictures!?

I’m going to be doing more Autumn related posts in the coming weeks, but happier ones like my Autumn wishlist and  a favourites post too, because I do have quite a few favourite things building up and I need to let everyone know!

Amy 🌸