As I write this, I am sat surrounded by a myriad of bowls and tuppaware strategically placed around my room, in vain attempt of catching the multiple leaks in my ceiling where the torrential rain is having great fun tidal waving in… I know I live in an old house but something’s got to give… Right?
I shamefully spent all morning in my bed, feeling very blue and not wanting to move. Have you ever felt that? When you really don’t want to move, either because you’re sooo comfy or because moving would seem futile, or even just because there’s no real need to?
Well, that was me this morning. I wasn’t even feeling sorry for myself.
I’d woken from a lovely, out of the blue dream, felt great when I opened my eyes, felt as though I was being hugged inside and even had a smile creep across my face.
But slowly, as the early morning saw 7am, then 8am, I began going down hill. Once I’d woken from my dream, blissfully happy (the first time in ages) at 5.15am, it was then I made my first mistake and a mistake that led me to staying in bed all morning. For I stupidly got out of bed at dawn and left my room… After being instantly hounded by a certain person, I felt a huge pang of anxiety overtake my mind and body and all the peace and fuzziness that I had woken up with, ran for the hills leaving me shutting myself in my room again trying to block it all out.
It’s a running trend with me, that the moment I feel at ease and peaceful, anxiety and worry comes a knocking and it all appears wasted and unattainable.
So, in true rebel fashion (for me at least), I holed myself in my room for the morning, scoffing back a donut, chocolate, coffee, tea and three (no really, 3!) crumpets with extra butter! I’m not sure if it was a minor breakdown or just the immediate reaction to having my inner peace destroyed in a matter of seconds, but it was actually a pretty ok way to spend my morning. I did productive things like write and job search, but I felt guilty that I’d reacted to one moment of stress in such a selfish way. That’s the thing about anxiety though, it creeps up on you silently and pounces on you when you’re at your assumed calmest and therefore makes you doubt you’re ever able to be truly calm. Such a shame after waking from my wonderful dream I’m not entirely sure what to make of!
Fortunately, I had the excellent excuse of Friday lunchtime coffee with the girls from work to get ready for, which saved me from indulging in the very tempting thought of staying barricaded in my room for the rest of the day. I got bathed and dressed, did my hair and make up, and found my old brolly to brave the rain, and set off to the coffee shop. I was first to arrive and I ordered my pot of Twinings English Breakfast Tea, sat at a table for four and tried as best I could to be ready for socialising. There is such a big part of me which dreads group situations as I always feel like all eyes are on me and that anything I pluck up the courage to say, sounds the most ludicrous thing since Nick Clegg told students that Uni fees would decrease. They didn’t arrive straight away so as I sipped my very tasty tea, I grabbed my notebook from my bag and started to write. It felt good to write in a place I’d never written in before. It almost puts a different perspective on things and it’s very interesting. You should try it! It wasn’t long before the others arrived and once everyone had ordered their coffees, we all managed to engage in a relatively enjoyable conversation which wasn’t too agitating for me. Win win…
The last couple of weeks has had its ups and down. Just when you think a day is going to be ok and you’ve got a good idea of what you’re about to do next, something swoops in and brings you down in an instance, flattening your mood, wiping out your enthusiasm and leaving you with the feeling of dread in whatever you’re about to do next. I am going through a period of unsettling uncertainty about my future; where I live, my career & the career change I want and need so much, my health, my family… Everything is whirring round my mind, frenzied curiosity matched with frenzied fear that now I’ve messed up one important thing, I’m messing up everything else and I’m destined to live forever, the way I am now.
While moving back home after ‘that horrible thing’ happened gave me what I needed at that point, it’s not what I’m going to need forever and I feel I’m beginning to need something very different right now.
The job I’ve had for 7 years is very rarely satisfying these days and I’m struggling to tolerate a lot of things there, which is making me dread going to work in the mornings and leaving me with a strange sense of regret at the end of the day. Bottom line, I know I can do better. Better than my current performance in my current job, and better career wise. I’m good at what I do, but through lack of a lot of things, my motivation has depleted significantly and I now realise my performance in the last year has not exactly diminished, it just hasn’t grown. It hasn’t had the opportunity to grow.
I can be very conscientious and enthusiastic when I feel strongly about my cause/role, but when my role is stagnating and repetitive, I find it’s difficult to maintain that level of enjoyment and energy that employers need. It’s hard to impress in a job in which you are bound by repetitive tasks, a small working environment and team, and no room to show any other skills and attributes you may have. Therefore, receiving very infrequent acknowledgement/praise for your work… I need a career change and now!
Then there’s the hugerer matter of my living arrangements… I am struggling continuing living with my parents now. They were supportive during my time of need and I have been very appreciative of that, but we are very different people.
I’m 24, I don’t want to be living at home. I know there are lots of people my age living at home because house/rent prices are way too high and yes, if I was in a different financial position, I’d be finding a cute little apartment in the city where I could escape to and make my castle of happiness and proud Singletonsville living.
I have built this very rose tinted image in my head of what my apartment would look like; autumn rain dancing on the city streets below, fairy lights softy lighting my living room to ease the grey cloud shadows penning in through the Georgian windows. Lighthearted, upbeat jazz music playing quietly in the background… Pianos and saxophones filling the Sunday afternoon air around the cosy building, creating a warm and fuzzy atmosphere. Classy pictures on the wall of Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe dotted around, along with dramatic framed pictures of New York City and London. Frank Sinatra albums stacked on the media shelf next to Swing hits and “Music for Fine Dining”. Jam bubbling away in a pan on the stove in the kitchen while scribbled blog notes scattered in numbers occupy the living room coffee table.
Big green leafy plants fill the rooms with geranium & hyacinths on windowsills, ferns in the corners of the rooms and a herb garden in the kitchen. Soft, fluffy rugs on the floor and matching throws on the chairs to cuddle up with on a rainy afternoon whilst listening to that autumn rain splash heavily on the roof, as a lighthearted Woody Allen film plays quietly on the TV. Preferably “You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger” or “To Rome With Love”.
Little shelves dotted here and there with books on some, plants on others and special shelves for precious trinkets & photos.
Oh the dreams to be a chic city girl and not the floundering village country bumpkin I currently am. Ok, maybe not quite a country bumpkin, but I know everyone in the village, work in the village and I’m starting to like the smell of manure… I need to escape. I need to become friends with exhaust, buddy up with buses, get pally with pollution… Anything to transform me to city girl extraordinaire! Pronto! PDQ! STAT! ASAP! Like yesterday!
I am seriously at risk of a) spending the rest of my life in the same village I have grown up in and work in and b) becoming the leading lady of a new series of Little House On The Prairie. Or worse… The Waltons.
Now, if I had a chilled Bailey’s on the rocks in one hand and a bar of Galaxy in the other, maybe life wouldn’t seem so daunting, so final, so death sentancy… But I have neither and all I have in my hand is the empty glass of water I need to refill but am too scared to go downstairs to the kitchen by myself in the dark. What. A. Rediculous. Human. Being. Oh god, I can practically hear someone saying that now to me, in a Simon Cowell voice. *Puts fingers in ears* “La la la la”…
Ok, so in reality, all my apartment/ city based rose tinted fantasies are at present, a distant dream on the barely visible horizon, so for the time being, I need to find a way to make it happen. To make that particular dream come true. It’s ok, I don’t need to make any huge changes, I’ll be just fine. Only the career change, the studying I need to decide on to allow me to change career and working out my finances to fund this move to the city… Why I always dream of the big stuff in life is still a mystery to even those close to me. Sigmund Frued would have a field day with me…
So there it is, my blues that have taken up this Friday. Although I have a ton of things to be grateful for, I am thinking over the areas of my life which just aren’t going down so well. I know what I want, it’s just achieving it and getting myself there that’s going to be the tricky part. But I love a challenge and I definitely have one on my hands with this!
Do you have a dream you’re dreaming of but finding it difficult to see your way along the misty path? I’d love to hear your aspirations and how you’re achieving them so please leave a little comment if you feel like it 🙂
Thank you for reading,