BLOGGING / HEALTH UPDATE|DIARY

Happy old Amy is back with another happy update…

But what truly defines happy anyway?

So I've blogged three times this year and to the normal human being ( but what truly defines normal), it would be a clear indication that my commitment to blogging has faded and the only way forward now would be to sever all links to the internet, delete everything and go back from whence I came.

However, it's not quite like that for me. I still love having a blog, and I love writing for it and I love knowing people have read my posts. But, these days, thanks to my ever worsening condition, I genuinely have very little energy left after a 9 hour shift and 36 hour week to do anything other than eat dinner and fall asleep.

Let me give you a little context…

As you can read on the "about me" page, I suffer from a chronic illness called M.E.
I have done since I was seven years old and have gone through stages of my 19 year battle with it experiencing different levels of symptoms and numerous 'flare ups'.

(I am planning on writing a blog post dedicated to living with M.E., so I won't go into it too heavily now.)

At the moment, and for the past few months, I am finding it increasingly more difficult to get through each day, and doing anything other than my shifts at work, is near to impossible.

Including putting pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, engaging my brain to create.
And that makes me very sad.

I want my career to be in writing. I desperately want my blog to grow and have wonderful content. I very much would like to continue my Journalism course I have started but have no energy to pick back up.

My heart and soul is in writing; my body says no.
And if writing is too difficult, what else is there? If writing is too difficult, how the hell am I still on my feet all day every day rushing around?

All of my energy (literally all), is being put in to work and keeping my job. But I know, I can feel, this cannot go on for much longer. I am running out of energy, and most of all, strength.

My limbs are now so weak, I wake up feeling like I have trekked the Amazon jungle. A heavy dull ache consuming my legs and my head feeling like it's been stuffed with cotton wool.
And the struggle is all too real to force myself out of bed and go to work.
It's not where I should be and the time for complete burn out is lingering in the not so distant future.

And that's a worry. A big worry.

So blogging has taken a back seat and I've missed it terribly. And I'm not going to make any promises to blog daily or weekly or even monthly. I will blog when I have the strength and energy, and that may be tonight or tomorrow and then again in a few weeks; who knows?

But I do miss it, and if there was any way I could dedicate more time to it, I would.

All that remains this morning (it's 6.50am) is to finish my coffee & croissant and get ready for work. No im not feeling fit enough and no im not looking forward to it, but it is what it is.

From the epitome of happiness itself,

Amy x

10 Ways To Survive A Messy Breakup

 

If you’re reading this with a broken heart, whether it’s fresh, old or in the process of breaking, know you are not alone and that everything, despite how it currently feels, will be ok.

I wish I had believed that when I had a freshly broken heart. For I lay sobbing into my duvet convinced no one else had ever felt pain the way I felt it and that nothing, nothing was worth living for anymore.

A freshly broken heart is one of the most painful experiences next to loosing a loved one and it is often sorely over looked by friends, family and colleagues with how damaging it can be. 
I was lucky in a sense when I had a freshly broken heart, in that I had a fairly supportive family and very supportive friends and colleagues who told me I was doing well and made me see that life wasn’t over. But I was also fortunate in that despite the crippling pain that soared around my body like a deadly virus, despite the constant ache to run back to my lost love and beg a second go at things and despite the back-stabbing self doubt that crept into my mind and slowly began to take over my self-esteem, I fought against it best I could and rose above the immediate heartache and fear. And I taught myself, (as hardened as this sounds) to not miss him.

The days following a messy break up are (hideous, granted) the most crucial in the sense that how you approach them, how you deal with them, will shape the way you handle the later days to come. It seems such an impossibility, I know from experience, to imagine life without the person who has just parted ways with you, to imagine living a life without their love, without their friendship, and at first it’s all too easy to dismiss the fact that’s happening and that’s how it’s going to stay; but if you can find it within yourself to have a little faith in you, trust that deep down you know you can get yourself through the next few weeks to come, then my dear, you’re doing great and you’re already fighting half the battle, even though it doesn’t feel like it.

So, what does one do in the immediate days following a messy breakup? There’s a few options, some I wouldn’t wholly endorse but will still list for the purpose of shits and giggles; and I’m guessing right now, we could all do with a bit of that! Minus the shits.

  1. Go out and get completely rat-arsed with your gal friends and declare hatred for all mankind.
  2. Decide on a total change of style, dye your shortened hair green and go all punk to rebel over how reserved and suppressed you were while you were with that man.
  3. Quite literally bust the windows out his car because even though it won’t mend your broken heart, he’ll feel lucky that’s all you did. Yeah the piece of steaming poo!
  4. Run a campaign on being single and promote that women shouldn’t dread it, they should encourage it.
  5. And lastly (because I don’t want to be responsible for any more anarchy) say “Sod the lot of you” and bugger off to Tibet for 8 months on a “How to be a Tibetan Nun and find your life’s true meaning” course. Then come back 12 months later, head still shaved, married to a man called Yin with a mountain donkey and the mud hut equivalent of an unpaid mortgage.

But in case you’re at all like me (you poor dear) and you just want to take things easy and ‘heal slowly’ like I did, then read on for some sensible ways to cope, that works a tad better than the crap above.

EAT, TREAT, REPEAT

I lost a stone in the two weeks following my breakup and trust me, it was not a good look and it only added to the awful way I was feeling and dealing with things. I suggest, you don’t do the same thing. Hell, you’ve just gone through the most painful, sad and litteralay hideous thing, the least you deserve is a bag of jam donuts every day and a bag of chips every hour, on the hour. And if anyone even so much as tries to intervene, like they did with me; remind them who has the broken heart. I personally recommend tea (because it’s Britain for goodness sakes), chocolate, pasta, Brioche, ice cream (naturally) and anything with a higher calorie average than a deep fried mars bar.

*Disclaimer as the world is reaching morbid obesity lock down* It has to stop at some point but it’s totally fine for like the first month! After that, treat yourself to superfood salads, yummy sugar free smoothies and seeds and nuts which will build you back up to the goddess you always are.

PAMPER YOSELF AND FEEL ALL THE BEAUTIFULS

So you have no one to look beautiful for but yourself. “Tragic”, I hear you scream louder than than the woman off Psycho? No, just because you don’t have a guy to look a million bucks for now, just because no one will be able to feel how smooth your legs are after using that new Gillette for women razor followed by a shea body butter application and just because that one guy won’t be able to see that perfect new shade of lipstick you have on, does not mean you don’t look beautiful. Girl, you’re more beautiful than ever, because you’re you. Just you.

It may take a while to shine on the inside, but we must still take care of ourselves even when we’re hurting. Don’t stop shaving, washing, painting your nails and wearing eyeshadow just because you’ll be the only one to notice it and think it looks great. It’s time to stop doing those things for someone else, and start doing them for you.

They say the best way to get over a broken heart is to fall in love with someone else. Fall in love with yourself. It’ll be the best relationship you ever have.

MAKE A GIRL POWER PLAYLIST AND DOWNLOAD FEEL GOOD SONGS

One of the things which seriously helped me stop feeling mopey and sorry for my unrequited self, was listening to the likes of Beyonce and Gloria Gaynor. I created my own playlist (called Girl Power) and played it on repeat for a good few months. Here’s a few songs to get you going.

  1. I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor
  2. Single Ladies – Beyonce
  3. Survivor – Destiny’s Child
  4. I’m Every Woman – Chaka Khan
  5. Single – Natasha Beddingfield
  6. Bulletproof – La Roux
  7. I’m On My Way – The Proclaimers
  8. Respect – Aretha Franklin
  9. Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves – Girl Power
  10. Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life – Monty Python

All at their best when sung along to 😉

VISIT SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

I swear to this day, the main reason I coped as well as I did after my break up, was being able to escape the clutches of everything and abscond down south and take refuge with my hilarious and supportive friends. Before then, I had never really embraced spontaneous solo travel, but as soon as it was suggested, I packed a rucksack, announced I was off to the seaside and boarded a train all by myself. Proudest moment ever! It was very empowering actually; suddenly going from thinking “I can’t function and don’t want to live without this man” to “I’m leaving  town and don’t know when I’ll return and I’m doing it by my self.” And while you’re away, let your friends help you. Let them take you out, make you laugh, make you see that you have a wonderful life still to lead. Not all is lost because someone has broken up with you. I didn’t believe them at that point of course; I still believed that my love would be waiting for me on the platform when I arrived back in town, but of course he wasn’t and that was a huge wake up call.

Being away is also a great time to write down some feelings. Take a journal, sit by yourself (either in your room, or by the sea or in a summery meadow if you’re really that cliché) and let the words just pour out. When you’re somewhere different or new, you take notice of many things around you, and you may just find yourself more aware of feelings you didn’t know you had.

REMOVE ALL PHOTOS & KEEPSAKES OF THE RELATIONSHIP

And in other words, don’t do what I did. Do yourself a favour and take down every single last picture of you two together and put them in a box in the wardrobe or in the spare room. Box away everything related to him away and revamp the areas he’s been in. I don’t mean get in pest control and fumigate the place, I just mean spray Oust, burn some sage and hire an exorcist for a few hours…

BUY FEEL GOOD BOOKS AND READ THEM

When you’re confused and hurting and feeling like the worlds most despised girl, it’s important you surround yourself with people or things which tell you otherwise. Best friends are perfect for this, but they’re not always on tap 24/7 for words of reassurance and wisdom. Therefore, buying books on how to deal with breakups and self help books are great to carry with you and have by your side, for the times you’re by your lonesome and need reminding that you’re not alone, that there are things you can do to help yourself and that everything, in the end, will be OK. 

I picked up It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken, by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt whilst having a minor self-pity attack in town, a couple of weeks after my breakup. Standing there, sniffling loudly into a tissue, convinced I would never laugh again, I saw a colourful book and pounced on it and read the back…

“From how to put yourself through ‘He-tox’ to how to throw yourself a kick-ass pity party, Greg and Amiira share their hilarious and helpful roadmap for getting past the heartache and back into the game.”

And I smiled. Chuckled and did a victory punch. Right in the middle of Waterstones. 

JOIN A GYM OR FITNESS CLASS

So you’ve stuffed your face with necessary crap, binge-watched Pretty Little Liars to your hearts content, and bulk bought baggy clothing to hide the yards of fat-rolls you’re happily donning. Girl, it’s time to get yourself to the gym! 

One of the first things I did the week after I was dumped, despite loosing pounds of weight by the second and not eating an awful lot, was re-join my local fitness group. Ok, so it probably wasn’t the wisest thing to do in my unwell state, but it worked wonders for my mental state and meant I wasn’t moping around my parents house every single night feeling sorry for my situation whilst getting hideously fat.

So get yourself to a gym or better still, a local fitness class like Jazzercise or Zumba to make new friends who you can feel great with and to boost your mental and physical state out of Miss Self-Pity At Your Disposal. 

Under note, it’s also very satisfying, whilst you’re punching the shit out of the air in front of you to “I’m Sexy And I Know It”, to think you’re going to look a damn sight fitter than and a damn sight stronger than you were when you with that guy. And, should he ever accidentally bump in to you in town, then whoops, he’s going to see just how bloody gorgeous you are and he’ll walk away realising what a complete and utter knob he’s been. But do it for you, mostly! 

KEEP REMINDING YOURSELF IT’S NOT THE END OF YOU

Let’s be honest with ourselves. When someone we’ve loved with all our hearts and whom we assumed loved us just as much back, breaks up with you and breaks your heart too, the rest of our lives may feel like an impending sense of doom with nothing but loneliness and a bunch of cats to look forward to. (I thought that).

And whilst the cats aren’t a bad part of that, the loneliness aspect of it might be. At first I felt lonely as hell despite being around my parents. Now, I can’t wait to embrace being single and have a place of my own, by myself. See, there are plenty of great points to living by one’s self; Being able to decorate how you want, having your posessions where you want, being able to eat what you want, when you want, the list is endless. But one very important aspect which I am certainly looking forward to when I live by myself, is learning about me. Understanding how I work when I’m by myself, enjoying the peace of my surroundings and feeling comfortable in them, having the chance to grow and develop, uninterrupted by someone else’s perceived idea of how I should be.

And to travel to the hidden places of the world, to learn something new, take a course in something. The possibilities now you’re single are my dear, endless. And yes, that’s scary at first, but trust me, soon they will become an exciting prospect you can’t wait to get those kitten paws on!  

DON’T HOLD ON TO TOO MUCH HATE AND ANGER

You’re hurting, you’re broken and you might be having flashes or mad. Fair enough. The man’s broken your heart, and whether or not he’s got a good enough explanation, it’s just not sitting well. As previously mentioned above, in my not so top tips, you may have feelings of wanting to bust the windows out his car and declare mutiny on his existence, but holding on to that kind of hatred and ill feeling is going to not only damage you short term, but it may leave an unpleasant taste for a long time to come. 

After a few compulsory weeks of hating his guts, calling him every name under the sun and listening to “O Fortuna” on repeat, day dreaming about the revenge you could reap, have a cleansing evening and decide to leave all ill feelings you have towards him and the break up at the ‘hate door’. Light a few white candles, have a long and scrumptious bath and play some relaxing music (sounds a bit chliched but girl, does it work), and meditate your way out of hate. Visualise as you deep breathe, the hateful feelings inside you leaving your body in a dark mass and in replacement, calm waves of bright light shining down into you, filling you with peace and closure. Acceptance is key to moving on, and creating a little under stated ceremony like this will enable you to calmly and peacefully leave behind the hurt and welcome in the new, cleansed and positive you. 

Only do this when you feel ready. Forcing closure is never a good idea and will never properly work. But feel happy and proud of yourself when you do achieve it.

PLAN NEW DREAMS

So, you’ve eaten you’re own body weight in mac & cheese, traveled to see friends, joined the gym, read books and sang songs; What more could there be to do on your journey?

Make new dreams. It’s highly likely you’ll have made a ton of dreams and wishes with the person you were in a relationship with and now you’re not with them it may feel like there is nothing else to dream for. I thought this, but it wasn’t until I sat down on the beach with the sea washing in and out, that I realised I had a myriad of dreams I could make come true by myself, and in fact, would be much more enjoyable done by myself. 

Re-Decorate, move to a cute chic city apartment, go on holiday, get a cat, dye your hair, take that course you’ve had you eye on, volunteer, see your friends more, take that promotion, try new hobbies, write that book… So much is now waiting at your door, and you can do it by yourself because you’re smart and beautiful and you never needed anyone but yourself to get you to the places you truly deserve and want to be in life.

Leave behind hating, regretting and forgetting and move on with grieving, accepting and healing…

Go get em girl! And don’t let anyone or anything stop you from being happy. 

 

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Glitter & Gold

Weight: I’ve given up checking (and to demonstrate my point, I’m scoffing my 6th mini spring roll which will be unforgivably followed by a Magnum Ice Cream).

Feeling: Surprisingly upbeat.

Song Of The Day: When Doves Cry – Because that’s the song Jay and Aliona danced the Tango to on Strictly and well, serious crush on Jay. I’m not even going to lie.

So, where do I begin? I usually have about a million and one things to moan about, feel sad about and sorry for myself over…

However, for one blog post only, I’m pleased to announce that I’m actually happy and things are pretty dayamn good.

  1.  I won an award at work! Oh yeah, little ol’ me from the village no one’s heard of got nominated for Unsung Hero, and won:)

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That’s me on stage in front of 1,100 people at this years annual work conference in London. I work for a pharmacy I feel very proud to be part of right now, and to be awarded with this, is just the most shocking and incredible thing ever. I have never won an award (a proper one) before and had no idea I was even nominated! I was sat there, happy as larry, clapping all the other winners of other awards and low and very much behold, my name is called in the Unsung Hero nominee category. If that wasn’t a shock enough, I watched the big screen with a live feed from the stage, mouth open and heart about to stop. When all of a very much sudden, my name is called as the winner, and the place literally erupts into applaud and disorientating screeches from my colleagues enveloped my very confused head. In complete and genuine shock, I tried with as much finesse as my trembling legs would allow me, to make my way to the stage. The whole experience was an absolute blur and I am just praying I didn’t mouth to the Head of Pharmacy (who greeted me on stage) “Oh my bloody God are you sure it’s me?”, like I’m panicking I did!

Thank absolute God I didn’t go fancy dress for the 70’s theme!

Equally thank god I didn’t wear the hideous jumper dress I had debated on wearing because it would not be so breasty and would conceal my post curry bloat, however, I stuck with my first choice of the wine coloured number. Concerned it was too low, everyone kept telling me, “If you’ve got it, flaunt it”. Where I found this mildly reassuring, it didn’t stop me panicking that I was thrusting the bust a bit too much round the dinner table…

Anywho, I shook the hands of the three lovely people who met me on stage, I stood where I was supposed to and I smiled at the right time, and get this, I even didn’t blink as the photo was taken (a favourite unintentional habit of mine). As I shakily made my way off the stage (after going round in circles having become a bit lost) and made my way through the cheers and claps of the other attendees, I plonked myself down in my seat, mouth wide open and shaking my head in disbelief at my colleagues. It’s safe to say I proceeded to down the rest of my 2nd wine followed by another. I then became a little bit emotional as the reality kicked in and I remember just sitting there for ages, staring at my chocolate tart which had been served mid trance. I hadn’t even noticed the arrival of this tasty looking morsel and when I came to eat it, I could barely ingest it. It was like Christmas morning as a kid, the excitement too immense to eat the toast your mum placed in front of you… So I politely nibbled away at the chocolate bits as I sat in my own little world of 70’s music, the shiny glass award staring back at me and the echo of the applause still ringing in my ears. Nothing like that ever happens to me & I am pretty sure that even one week on, it’s still registering. I feel very humble and grateful to work for such a wonderful company.

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Ok, so that’s the huge news. Other great stuff that’s happening soon is my weekend visiting friends in Devon next week, Christmas, planning my trips in the new year, the blog posts I have coming up and whilst it terrifies the living daylights out of me, sitting down and deciding how I want 2016 to go, and in the process, probably making some pretty tough decisions.

I can’t wait to start 2016 fresh, recovered and enthusiastic to make the most of my life. I’m foreseeing next year to be the year dreams come true and my new found freedom is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Oh yeah, right now I see moving out, plenty of adventures and joining dance classes as my top priorities for next year. It’s time to get out there and live. Not stay in the same place dreaming of living. Who ever achieves stuff by doing that? No one people.

I want to show everyone I am the go getting, self sufficient high achiever that I am deep down. That I don’t need to be held up or pulled along in life, dancing in the shadows of someone else’s glory. I will dance in the light of my own happiness and my shadows will only serve to share that happiness.

Crikey.

Anyone vommed yet??

Basically, I’m ready to fly into 2016, arms open embracing the dream! Someone please slap me round the face if I’m still dithering in April, like a confused wasp in Winter.

Ok, I’m gonna wrap this little fella up and bid my beautiful readers farewell. I have a chilli to cook, blog posts to write and dreams to dream.

I promise future posts won’t be as sickly as clearly this one has been.

Amy

My Friday Blues…

 

As I write this, I am sat surrounded by a myriad of bowls and tuppaware strategically placed around my room, in vain attempt of catching the multiple leaks in my ceiling where the torrential rain is having great fun tidal waving in… I know I live in an old house but something’s got to give… Right?
I shamefully spent all morning in my bed, feeling very blue and not wanting to move. Have you ever felt that? When you really don’t want to move, either because you’re sooo comfy or because moving would seem futile, or even just because there’s no real need to?
Well, that was me this morning. I wasn’t even feeling sorry for myself.
I’d woken from a lovely, out of the blue dream, felt great when I opened my eyes, felt as though I was being hugged inside and even had a smile creep across my face.
But slowly, as the early morning saw 7am, then 8am, I began going down hill. Once I’d woken from my dream, blissfully happy (the first time in ages) at 5.15am, it was then I made my first mistake and a mistake that led me to staying in bed all morning. For I stupidly got out of bed at dawn and left my room… After being instantly hounded by a certain person, I felt a huge pang of anxiety overtake my mind and body and all the peace and fuzziness that I had woken up with, ran for the hills leaving me shutting myself in my room again trying to block it all out.
It’s a running trend with me, that the moment I feel at ease and peaceful, anxiety and worry comes a knocking and it all appears wasted and unattainable.
So, in true rebel fashion (for me at least), I holed myself in my room for the morning, scoffing back a donut, chocolate, coffee, tea and three (no really, 3!) crumpets with extra butter! I’m not sure if it was a minor breakdown or just the immediate reaction to having my inner peace destroyed in a matter of seconds, but it was actually a pretty ok way to spend my morning. I did productive things like write and job search, but I felt guilty that I’d reacted to one moment of stress in such a selfish way. That’s the thing about anxiety though, it creeps up on you silently and pounces on you when you’re at your assumed calmest and therefore makes you doubt you’re ever able to be truly calm. Such a shame after waking from my wonderful dream I’m not entirely sure what to make of!

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Fortunately, I had the excellent excuse of Friday lunchtime coffee with the girls from work to get ready for, which saved me from indulging in the very tempting thought of staying barricaded in my room for the rest of the day. I got bathed and dressed, did my hair and make up, and found my old brolly to brave the rain, and set off to the coffee shop. I was first to arrive and I ordered my pot of Twinings English Breakfast Tea, sat at a table for four and tried as best I could to be ready for socialising. There is such a big part of me which dreads group situations as I always feel like all eyes are on me and that anything I pluck up the courage to say, sounds the most ludicrous thing since Nick Clegg told students that Uni fees would decrease. They didn’t arrive straight away so as I sipped my very tasty tea, I grabbed my notebook from my bag and started to write. It felt good to write in a place I’d never written in before. It almost puts a different perspective on things and it’s very interesting. You should try it! It wasn’t long before the others arrived and once everyone had ordered their coffees, we all managed to engage in a relatively enjoyable conversation which wasn’t too agitating for me. Win win…

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The last couple of weeks has had its ups and down. Just when you think a day is going to be ok and you’ve got a good idea of what you’re about to do next, something swoops in and brings you down in an instance, flattening your mood, wiping out your enthusiasm and leaving you with the feeling of dread in whatever you’re about to do next. I am going through a period of unsettling uncertainty about my future; where I live, my career & the career change I want and need so much, my health, my family… Everything is whirring round my mind, frenzied curiosity matched with frenzied fear that now I’ve messed up one important thing, I’m messing up everything else and I’m destined to live forever, the way I am now.

While moving back home after ‘that horrible thing’ happened gave me what I needed at that point, it’s not what I’m going to need forever and I feel I’m beginning to need something very different right now.
The job I’ve had for 7 years is very rarely satisfying these days and I’m struggling to tolerate a lot of things there, which is making me dread going to work in the mornings and leaving me with a strange sense of regret at the end of the day. Bottom line, I know I can do better. Better than my current performance in my current job, and better career wise. I’m good at what I do, but through lack of a lot of things, my motivation has depleted significantly and I now realise my performance in the last year has not exactly diminished, it just hasn’t grown. It hasn’t had the opportunity to grow.
I can be very conscientious and enthusiastic when I feel strongly about my cause/role, but when my role is stagnating and repetitive, I find it’s difficult to maintain that level of enjoyment and energy that employers need. It’s hard to impress in a job in which you are bound by repetitive tasks, a small working environment and team, and no room to show any other skills and attributes you may have. Therefore, receiving very infrequent acknowledgement/praise for your work… I need a career change and now!

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Then there’s the hugerer matter of my living arrangements… I am struggling continuing living with my parents now. They were supportive during my time of need and I have been very appreciative of that, but we are very different people.
I’m 24, I don’t want to be living at home. I know there are lots of people my age living at home because house/rent prices are way too high and yes, if I was in a different financial position, I’d be finding a cute little apartment in the city where I could escape to and make my castle of happiness and proud Singletonsville living.

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I have built this very rose tinted image in my head of what my apartment would look like; autumn rain dancing on the city streets below, fairy lights softy lighting my living room to ease the grey cloud shadows penning in through the Georgian windows. Lighthearted, upbeat jazz music playing quietly in the background… Pianos and saxophones filling the Sunday afternoon air around the cosy building, creating a warm and fuzzy atmosphere. Classy pictures on the wall of Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe dotted around, along with dramatic framed pictures of New York City and London. Frank Sinatra albums stacked on the media shelf next to Swing hits and “Music for Fine Dining”. Jam bubbling away in a pan on the stove in the kitchen while scribbled blog notes scattered in numbers occupy the living room coffee table.
Big green leafy plants fill the rooms with geranium & hyacinths on windowsills, ferns in the corners of the rooms and a herb garden in the kitchen. Soft, fluffy rugs on the floor and matching throws on the chairs to cuddle up with on a rainy afternoon whilst listening to that autumn rain splash heavily on the roof, as a lighthearted Woody Allen film plays quietly on the TV. Preferably “You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger” or “To Rome With Love”.
Little shelves dotted here and there with books on some, plants on others and special shelves for precious trinkets & photos.
Oh the dreams to be a chic city girl and not the floundering village country bumpkin I currently am. Ok, maybe not quite a country bumpkin, but I know everyone in the village, work in the village and I’m starting to like the smell of manure… I need to escape. I need to become friends with exhaust, buddy up with buses, get pally with pollution… Anything to transform me to city girl extraordinaire! Pronto! PDQ! STAT! ASAP! Like yesterday!
I am seriously at risk of a) spending the rest of my life in the same village I have grown up in and work in and b) becoming the leading lady of a new series of Little House On The Prairie. Or worse… The Waltons.
Now, if I had a chilled Bailey’s on the rocks in one hand and a bar of Galaxy in the other, maybe life wouldn’t seem so daunting, so final, so death sentancy… But I have neither and all I have in my hand is the empty glass of water I need to refill but am too scared to go downstairs to the kitchen by myself in the dark. What. A. Rediculous. Human. Being. Oh god, I can practically hear someone saying that now to me, in a Simon Cowell voice. *Puts fingers in ears* “La la la la”…
Ok, so in reality, all my apartment/ city based rose tinted fantasies are at present, a distant dream on the barely visible horizon, so for the time being, I need to find a way to make it happen. To make that particular dream come true. It’s ok, I don’t need to make any huge changes, I’ll be just fine. Only the career change, the studying I need to decide on to allow me to change career and working out my finances to fund this move to the city… Why I always dream of the big stuff in life is still a mystery to even those close to me. Sigmund Frued would have a field day with me…

So there it is, my blues that have taken up this Friday. Although I have a ton of things to be grateful for, I am thinking over the areas of my life which just aren’t going down so well. I know what I want, it’s just achieving it and getting myself there that’s going to be the tricky part. But I love a challenge and I definitely have one on my hands with this!

Do you have a dream you’re dreaming of but finding it difficult to see your way along the misty path? I’d love to hear your aspirations and how you’re achieving them so please leave a little comment if you feel like it 🙂

Thank you for reading,

Amy 🌸