10 Ways To Survive A Messy Breakup

 

If you’re reading this with a broken heart, whether it’s fresh, old or in the process of breaking, know you are not alone and that everything, despite how it currently feels, will be ok.

I wish I had believed that when I had a freshly broken heart. For I lay sobbing into my duvet convinced no one else had ever felt pain the way I felt it and that nothing, nothing was worth living for anymore.

A freshly broken heart is one of the most painful experiences next to loosing a loved one and it is often sorely over looked by friends, family and colleagues with how damaging it can be. 
I was lucky in a sense when I had a freshly broken heart, in that I had a fairly supportive family and very supportive friends and colleagues who told me I was doing well and made me see that life wasn’t over. But I was also fortunate in that despite the crippling pain that soared around my body like a deadly virus, despite the constant ache to run back to my lost love and beg a second go at things and despite the back-stabbing self doubt that crept into my mind and slowly began to take over my self-esteem, I fought against it best I could and rose above the immediate heartache and fear. And I taught myself, (as hardened as this sounds) to not miss him.

The days following a messy break up are (hideous, granted) the most crucial in the sense that how you approach them, how you deal with them, will shape the way you handle the later days to come. It seems such an impossibility, I know from experience, to imagine life without the person who has just parted ways with you, to imagine living a life without their love, without their friendship, and at first it’s all too easy to dismiss the fact that’s happening and that’s how it’s going to stay; but if you can find it within yourself to have a little faith in you, trust that deep down you know you can get yourself through the next few weeks to come, then my dear, you’re doing great and you’re already fighting half the battle, even though it doesn’t feel like it.

So, what does one do in the immediate days following a messy breakup? There’s a few options, some I wouldn’t wholly endorse but will still list for the purpose of shits and giggles; and I’m guessing right now, we could all do with a bit of that! Minus the shits.

  1. Go out and get completely rat-arsed with your gal friends and declare hatred for all mankind.
  2. Decide on a total change of style, dye your shortened hair green and go all punk to rebel over how reserved and suppressed you were while you were with that man.
  3. Quite literally bust the windows out his car because even though it won’t mend your broken heart, he’ll feel lucky that’s all you did. Yeah the piece of steaming poo!
  4. Run a campaign on being single and promote that women shouldn’t dread it, they should encourage it.
  5. And lastly (because I don’t want to be responsible for any more anarchy) say “Sod the lot of you” and bugger off to Tibet for 8 months on a “How to be a Tibetan Nun and find your life’s true meaning” course. Then come back 12 months later, head still shaved, married to a man called Yin with a mountain donkey and the mud hut equivalent of an unpaid mortgage.

But in case you’re at all like me (you poor dear) and you just want to take things easy and ‘heal slowly’ like I did, then read on for some sensible ways to cope, that works a tad better than the crap above.

EAT, TREAT, REPEAT

I lost a stone in the two weeks following my breakup and trust me, it was not a good look and it only added to the awful way I was feeling and dealing with things. I suggest, you don’t do the same thing. Hell, you’ve just gone through the most painful, sad and litteralay hideous thing, the least you deserve is a bag of jam donuts every day and a bag of chips every hour, on the hour. And if anyone even so much as tries to intervene, like they did with me; remind them who has the broken heart. I personally recommend tea (because it’s Britain for goodness sakes), chocolate, pasta, Brioche, ice cream (naturally) and anything with a higher calorie average than a deep fried mars bar.

*Disclaimer as the world is reaching morbid obesity lock down* It has to stop at some point but it’s totally fine for like the first month! After that, treat yourself to superfood salads, yummy sugar free smoothies and seeds and nuts which will build you back up to the goddess you always are.

PAMPER YOSELF AND FEEL ALL THE BEAUTIFULS

So you have no one to look beautiful for but yourself. “Tragic”, I hear you scream louder than than the woman off Psycho? No, just because you don’t have a guy to look a million bucks for now, just because no one will be able to feel how smooth your legs are after using that new Gillette for women razor followed by a shea body butter application and just because that one guy won’t be able to see that perfect new shade of lipstick you have on, does not mean you don’t look beautiful. Girl, you’re more beautiful than ever, because you’re you. Just you.

It may take a while to shine on the inside, but we must still take care of ourselves even when we’re hurting. Don’t stop shaving, washing, painting your nails and wearing eyeshadow just because you’ll be the only one to notice it and think it looks great. It’s time to stop doing those things for someone else, and start doing them for you.

They say the best way to get over a broken heart is to fall in love with someone else. Fall in love with yourself. It’ll be the best relationship you ever have.

MAKE A GIRL POWER PLAYLIST AND DOWNLOAD FEEL GOOD SONGS

One of the things which seriously helped me stop feeling mopey and sorry for my unrequited self, was listening to the likes of Beyonce and Gloria Gaynor. I created my own playlist (called Girl Power) and played it on repeat for a good few months. Here’s a few songs to get you going.

  1. I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor
  2. Single Ladies – Beyonce
  3. Survivor – Destiny’s Child
  4. I’m Every Woman – Chaka Khan
  5. Single – Natasha Beddingfield
  6. Bulletproof – La Roux
  7. I’m On My Way – The Proclaimers
  8. Respect – Aretha Franklin
  9. Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves – Girl Power
  10. Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life – Monty Python

All at their best when sung along to 😉

VISIT SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

I swear to this day, the main reason I coped as well as I did after my break up, was being able to escape the clutches of everything and abscond down south and take refuge with my hilarious and supportive friends. Before then, I had never really embraced spontaneous solo travel, but as soon as it was suggested, I packed a rucksack, announced I was off to the seaside and boarded a train all by myself. Proudest moment ever! It was very empowering actually; suddenly going from thinking “I can’t function and don’t want to live without this man” to “I’m leaving  town and don’t know when I’ll return and I’m doing it by my self.” And while you’re away, let your friends help you. Let them take you out, make you laugh, make you see that you have a wonderful life still to lead. Not all is lost because someone has broken up with you. I didn’t believe them at that point of course; I still believed that my love would be waiting for me on the platform when I arrived back in town, but of course he wasn’t and that was a huge wake up call.

Being away is also a great time to write down some feelings. Take a journal, sit by yourself (either in your room, or by the sea or in a summery meadow if you’re really that cliché) and let the words just pour out. When you’re somewhere different or new, you take notice of many things around you, and you may just find yourself more aware of feelings you didn’t know you had.

REMOVE ALL PHOTOS & KEEPSAKES OF THE RELATIONSHIP

And in other words, don’t do what I did. Do yourself a favour and take down every single last picture of you two together and put them in a box in the wardrobe or in the spare room. Box away everything related to him away and revamp the areas he’s been in. I don’t mean get in pest control and fumigate the place, I just mean spray Oust, burn some sage and hire an exorcist for a few hours…

BUY FEEL GOOD BOOKS AND READ THEM

When you’re confused and hurting and feeling like the worlds most despised girl, it’s important you surround yourself with people or things which tell you otherwise. Best friends are perfect for this, but they’re not always on tap 24/7 for words of reassurance and wisdom. Therefore, buying books on how to deal with breakups and self help books are great to carry with you and have by your side, for the times you’re by your lonesome and need reminding that you’re not alone, that there are things you can do to help yourself and that everything, in the end, will be OK. 

I picked up It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken, by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt whilst having a minor self-pity attack in town, a couple of weeks after my breakup. Standing there, sniffling loudly into a tissue, convinced I would never laugh again, I saw a colourful book and pounced on it and read the back…

“From how to put yourself through ‘He-tox’ to how to throw yourself a kick-ass pity party, Greg and Amiira share their hilarious and helpful roadmap for getting past the heartache and back into the game.”

And I smiled. Chuckled and did a victory punch. Right in the middle of Waterstones. 

JOIN A GYM OR FITNESS CLASS

So you’ve stuffed your face with necessary crap, binge-watched Pretty Little Liars to your hearts content, and bulk bought baggy clothing to hide the yards of fat-rolls you’re happily donning. Girl, it’s time to get yourself to the gym! 

One of the first things I did the week after I was dumped, despite loosing pounds of weight by the second and not eating an awful lot, was re-join my local fitness group. Ok, so it probably wasn’t the wisest thing to do in my unwell state, but it worked wonders for my mental state and meant I wasn’t moping around my parents house every single night feeling sorry for my situation whilst getting hideously fat.

So get yourself to a gym or better still, a local fitness class like Jazzercise or Zumba to make new friends who you can feel great with and to boost your mental and physical state out of Miss Self-Pity At Your Disposal. 

Under note, it’s also very satisfying, whilst you’re punching the shit out of the air in front of you to “I’m Sexy And I Know It”, to think you’re going to look a damn sight fitter than and a damn sight stronger than you were when you with that guy. And, should he ever accidentally bump in to you in town, then whoops, he’s going to see just how bloody gorgeous you are and he’ll walk away realising what a complete and utter knob he’s been. But do it for you, mostly! 

KEEP REMINDING YOURSELF IT’S NOT THE END OF YOU

Let’s be honest with ourselves. When someone we’ve loved with all our hearts and whom we assumed loved us just as much back, breaks up with you and breaks your heart too, the rest of our lives may feel like an impending sense of doom with nothing but loneliness and a bunch of cats to look forward to. (I thought that).

And whilst the cats aren’t a bad part of that, the loneliness aspect of it might be. At first I felt lonely as hell despite being around my parents. Now, I can’t wait to embrace being single and have a place of my own, by myself. See, there are plenty of great points to living by one’s self; Being able to decorate how you want, having your posessions where you want, being able to eat what you want, when you want, the list is endless. But one very important aspect which I am certainly looking forward to when I live by myself, is learning about me. Understanding how I work when I’m by myself, enjoying the peace of my surroundings and feeling comfortable in them, having the chance to grow and develop, uninterrupted by someone else’s perceived idea of how I should be.

And to travel to the hidden places of the world, to learn something new, take a course in something. The possibilities now you’re single are my dear, endless. And yes, that’s scary at first, but trust me, soon they will become an exciting prospect you can’t wait to get those kitten paws on!  

DON’T HOLD ON TO TOO MUCH HATE AND ANGER

You’re hurting, you’re broken and you might be having flashes or mad. Fair enough. The man’s broken your heart, and whether or not he’s got a good enough explanation, it’s just not sitting well. As previously mentioned above, in my not so top tips, you may have feelings of wanting to bust the windows out his car and declare mutiny on his existence, but holding on to that kind of hatred and ill feeling is going to not only damage you short term, but it may leave an unpleasant taste for a long time to come. 

After a few compulsory weeks of hating his guts, calling him every name under the sun and listening to “O Fortuna” on repeat, day dreaming about the revenge you could reap, have a cleansing evening and decide to leave all ill feelings you have towards him and the break up at the ‘hate door’. Light a few white candles, have a long and scrumptious bath and play some relaxing music (sounds a bit chliched but girl, does it work), and meditate your way out of hate. Visualise as you deep breathe, the hateful feelings inside you leaving your body in a dark mass and in replacement, calm waves of bright light shining down into you, filling you with peace and closure. Acceptance is key to moving on, and creating a little under stated ceremony like this will enable you to calmly and peacefully leave behind the hurt and welcome in the new, cleansed and positive you. 

Only do this when you feel ready. Forcing closure is never a good idea and will never properly work. But feel happy and proud of yourself when you do achieve it.

PLAN NEW DREAMS

So, you’ve eaten you’re own body weight in mac & cheese, traveled to see friends, joined the gym, read books and sang songs; What more could there be to do on your journey?

Make new dreams. It’s highly likely you’ll have made a ton of dreams and wishes with the person you were in a relationship with and now you’re not with them it may feel like there is nothing else to dream for. I thought this, but it wasn’t until I sat down on the beach with the sea washing in and out, that I realised I had a myriad of dreams I could make come true by myself, and in fact, would be much more enjoyable done by myself. 

Re-Decorate, move to a cute chic city apartment, go on holiday, get a cat, dye your hair, take that course you’ve had you eye on, volunteer, see your friends more, take that promotion, try new hobbies, write that book… So much is now waiting at your door, and you can do it by yourself because you’re smart and beautiful and you never needed anyone but yourself to get you to the places you truly deserve and want to be in life.

Leave behind hating, regretting and forgetting and move on with grieving, accepting and healing…

Go get em girl! And don’t let anyone or anything stop you from being happy. 

 

img_7001

Ship To Wreck

IMG_6556

Today has seen a run of unfortunate events occurring every hour, on the hour.

It started off in full swing this morning when no more than 2 minutes in the door at work, I decide that it would be nice if I dabbed a subtle hint of perfume either side of my neck, to smell fresh and fruity all day. I’m currently using the new Beyonce Heat tester tube (which as you may know, has a lid you have to remove by carefully prizing it away from the tube), and it’s very tiny and pretty fiddly. And instead of adorning my already fragranced skin with a miniature dab of said perfume, I end up quite spectacularly pinging the small tube out of my cold fingers and slowly watch on in horror as the entire contents of the tube squirts everywhere onto me, onto the floor and more embarrassingly, onto my manager’s handbag! *facepalm*

Now standing there unsure whether I smell more like I belong in a brothel or the fragrance section of Debenhams, the question of “can I actually hide this from the others and pretend it didn’t happen”? floats around my naive little mind before succumbing to the disastrous realisation that for at least the next week, my manager is going to smell just like me. And while it’s not the worst smell in the world, it is extremely awkward and cringe worthy. She took it very well though, and we managed to laugh it off, despite us all spending the rest of the morning with headaches and the door wide open for ventilation and basic life support…

In between the morning’s antics and my soon to be incredibly stressful lunch, I managed to bang my elbow, spill coffee down me and scare my colleague out of her wits when I almost ended up kissing her head after we bumped into each other. All of this was followed by lunch, which I had to purchase from the well known named shop next door. As I preyed the shelves searching for healthy but filling foods to drown my many sorrows in, I spot the strawberry Muller yogurt with my name on it. Juggling vegetable rice and a bottle of water on one hand, I used the other to retrieve the yogurt pot from the refrigerator, when SPLAT!!!

Yogurt engulfed my entire hand and arm and as I refrained from blaspheming my way into village banishment, I shuffled to the nearest supervisor and asked for assistance. And upon locating nearest supervisor, many a laugh was stifled and they kind of just stared at me for quite a long time, glazed and bemused at the yogurt covered, flustered mess that stood before them. With a half hearted attempt to take the oozing yogurt pot from me, he plonked down a roll of tissue on to the counter and as I shuffled once again, drowning in yogurt and feeling my stress levels rising, I proceeded to fight with this roll of tissue, and between myself and the very un-bothered sales guy, we tore off the most pointless and flimsy piece of paper that would make Bounty fall to the ground in horror. That said, not even a whole roll of Bounty Kitchen paper could sustain the moppage of the yogurt now spilling everywhere!

After a few further stressful minutes paying for my rice at the till, I leave before anything more can go wrong and leg it to the other well known named shop next door and by this point have thought “sodding stuff trying to be healthy, somebody find me a 5,000 calorie cake”, I proceed to buy a snack slice carrot cake (clearly the creator of that had never heard of a sweet tooth) and scurried back to the presumed safety of work.

Now, what followed after lunch is something I feel I need lifetime counselling for and is something I can’t really explain fully for confidentiality reasons; but all I will say is that it involved unexpected first aid, the touching of a strangers toes, the wobbling of a toenail and getting covered in Savlon! It is safe to say that event finished me off and when I just thought I was out of the danger zone and that surely nothing more traumatic could happen in the same day, I hear a middle aged woman’s personal account of using a new electric toothbrush and all the other things she’d rather use it for that actually brushing her teeth. Standing in shock, smelling like an adult version of Dolly Mixture comprising of perfume, coffee, yogurt and Savlon, I stuffed as many chocolates into my mouth as my disgusted body would allow and reminded myself that surely life would be dull without this sort of stuff and that I should count myself lucky for such excitement… Surely?

And that was just today! …

———————————-—————————

OK, I have other life stuff to catch up on; but there’s not going to be one word of Christmas past this point as I’m not looking forward to it at the moment for a lot of reasons. 

It was the weekend just gone that I traveled down to North Devon on the train to see friends. It was a great weekend, with shopping, shows and amazing food. I think I’m getting the hang of this solo travel thing. It’s not something I’ve ever been used to but this year, I’ve really had to master it and I’ve enjoyed the challenge. I’m not sure I’ll ever be a relaxed traveler as it’s just in my make up to panic about everything, but as long as I can rationalize and just go for it, I’ll be just fine. Like I said in this blog post, I might go somewhere in the new year, by myself, for a few days and just live. I don’t feel like I’m doing much of that right now and I want to. Change begins at the end of your comfort zone, or so they say!

Something needs to change either way… I’m fleeting between feelings of joy at the possibilities and freedom ahead of me, and the feeling of being trapped in the rut I am in and the negative ways of my mind. I swear I think myself into not being able to do all the things I dream of. I need it to be real, be true, even just for a minute; so I can see it’s possible. But that can’t happen, so I have to believe it’s possible. And that’s the scariest part o it all… Having the belief that one of my dreams might come true, after so many of them have gone so horribly wrong.

Somewhere, out there, is a star that shines for me. And one day, I’ll notice how bright it’s shining and I’ll follow it, and there, all of a sudden, will be my dream waiting for me to grasp it with both hands, build something amazing from it and never let go. And until then, I will keep looking for that shining star and let the prospect of it keep me from loosing all faith.

 

Much apologies for ending this rather deeply and in a philosophical state of melancholy. Thanks for reading if you’re still there:)

 

Amy

 

Glitter & Gold

Weight: I’ve given up checking (and to demonstrate my point, I’m scoffing my 6th mini spring roll which will be unforgivably followed by a Magnum Ice Cream).

Feeling: Surprisingly upbeat.

Song Of The Day: When Doves Cry – Because that’s the song Jay and Aliona danced the Tango to on Strictly and well, serious crush on Jay. I’m not even going to lie.

So, where do I begin? I usually have about a million and one things to moan about, feel sad about and sorry for myself over…

However, for one blog post only, I’m pleased to announce that I’m actually happy and things are pretty dayamn good.

  1.  I won an award at work! Oh yeah, little ol’ me from the village no one’s heard of got nominated for Unsung Hero, and won:)

IMG_6502

That’s me on stage in front of 1,100 people at this years annual work conference in London. I work for a pharmacy I feel very proud to be part of right now, and to be awarded with this, is just the most shocking and incredible thing ever. I have never won an award (a proper one) before and had no idea I was even nominated! I was sat there, happy as larry, clapping all the other winners of other awards and low and very much behold, my name is called in the Unsung Hero nominee category. If that wasn’t a shock enough, I watched the big screen with a live feed from the stage, mouth open and heart about to stop. When all of a very much sudden, my name is called as the winner, and the place literally erupts into applaud and disorientating screeches from my colleagues enveloped my very confused head. In complete and genuine shock, I tried with as much finesse as my trembling legs would allow me, to make my way to the stage. The whole experience was an absolute blur and I am just praying I didn’t mouth to the Head of Pharmacy (who greeted me on stage) “Oh my bloody God are you sure it’s me?”, like I’m panicking I did!

Thank absolute God I didn’t go fancy dress for the 70’s theme!

Equally thank god I didn’t wear the hideous jumper dress I had debated on wearing because it would not be so breasty and would conceal my post curry bloat, however, I stuck with my first choice of the wine coloured number. Concerned it was too low, everyone kept telling me, “If you’ve got it, flaunt it”. Where I found this mildly reassuring, it didn’t stop me panicking that I was thrusting the bust a bit too much round the dinner table…

Anywho, I shook the hands of the three lovely people who met me on stage, I stood where I was supposed to and I smiled at the right time, and get this, I even didn’t blink as the photo was taken (a favourite unintentional habit of mine). As I shakily made my way off the stage (after going round in circles having become a bit lost) and made my way through the cheers and claps of the other attendees, I plonked myself down in my seat, mouth wide open and shaking my head in disbelief at my colleagues. It’s safe to say I proceeded to down the rest of my 2nd wine followed by another. I then became a little bit emotional as the reality kicked in and I remember just sitting there for ages, staring at my chocolate tart which had been served mid trance. I hadn’t even noticed the arrival of this tasty looking morsel and when I came to eat it, I could barely ingest it. It was like Christmas morning as a kid, the excitement too immense to eat the toast your mum placed in front of you… So I politely nibbled away at the chocolate bits as I sat in my own little world of 70’s music, the shiny glass award staring back at me and the echo of the applause still ringing in my ears. Nothing like that ever happens to me & I am pretty sure that even one week on, it’s still registering. I feel very humble and grateful to work for such a wonderful company.

IMG_6505

Ok, so that’s the huge news. Other great stuff that’s happening soon is my weekend visiting friends in Devon next week, Christmas, planning my trips in the new year, the blog posts I have coming up and whilst it terrifies the living daylights out of me, sitting down and deciding how I want 2016 to go, and in the process, probably making some pretty tough decisions.

I can’t wait to start 2016 fresh, recovered and enthusiastic to make the most of my life. I’m foreseeing next year to be the year dreams come true and my new found freedom is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Oh yeah, right now I see moving out, plenty of adventures and joining dance classes as my top priorities for next year. It’s time to get out there and live. Not stay in the same place dreaming of living. Who ever achieves stuff by doing that? No one people.

I want to show everyone I am the go getting, self sufficient high achiever that I am deep down. That I don’t need to be held up or pulled along in life, dancing in the shadows of someone else’s glory. I will dance in the light of my own happiness and my shadows will only serve to share that happiness.

Crikey.

Anyone vommed yet??

Basically, I’m ready to fly into 2016, arms open embracing the dream! Someone please slap me round the face if I’m still dithering in April, like a confused wasp in Winter.

Ok, I’m gonna wrap this little fella up and bid my beautiful readers farewell. I have a chilli to cook, blog posts to write and dreams to dream.

I promise future posts won’t be as sickly as clearly this one has been.

Amy

Good Morning Autumn 🍂

 

With the subtle glow of the sun resigning itself to the fact that the cool wind is a stronger being, with the trees gallantly grasping on to their remaining green leaves as others turn a lighter shade of burnt gold and with that different, magical feel in the air that seasons are changing, Autumn my lovelies, is finally here.

The atmosphere always feels like something magical is brewing as Autumn air swirls around the trees and the wisp of the wind meaningfully brushes through the leaves causing a movement in them that is always absent during summer. There’s that glorious need to now where scarves when you leave the house, a need for that extra cup of tea in the evening and the need for a cosy pair of socks to decorate your tootsies while you watch the awesome Autumn TV.

I think what I adore so much about Autumn, is that it seems almost like the unseen season… It’s an in between time of year with no defining weather, no holidays, just a slow and beautiful transformation in our surroundings. Where summer brought greenery & sunshine & flowers & heat, Autumn brings warm gold & orange tones, unpredictable weather, dark mornings and a chill in the wind that’s just cold enough for the hairs on your arms to stand. Where out of nowhere a gust of wind can just sweep through the trees with birds in flocks flying off into the sky, as a solitary browning leaf floats past the window, telling the beginning of Autumn… That, to me, is the most mysterious of things, and what I love the most.

Amy 🌸🍁

Glitter, Books and Wishing Hearts

Despite the lack of orange, crunchy crisp leaves and wooly jumpers, I am actually preparing for Autumn! 🍁🍂

In the last couple of weeks, I have picked up a few things which I wanted to share with you all as I think they’re pretty lovely. They’ve come from all sorts of places including Oxfam, Polkadot, Boots & Waterstones. I am slowly but surely building a collection of nice things to use, read, watch and wear this Autumn and this, some could say, is  just the beginning…

First up is this glorious looking book that I’ve seen all over the place and each time I’ve seen it, for some unknown reason, I haven’t picked it up. Well, during an impromptu and long overdue visit to Oxfam recently, as I was pouring my excited eyes over the girly books on the shelf, Little Beach Street Bakery by Jenny Colgan appeared before me. Now, given my much needed escape to the seaside this summer and my increasing love for all things cake, I decided I was going to buy it before I read the back.

Escape to Cornwall to visit the enchanting…

This book is about finding strength in independence, finding joy in the simplicity of sharing your creations with friends and relying on yourself to get through when everything is against you. The description on the back of the book completely sold it to me as I could be Polly. Minus the Bakery and living in Cornwall… I am in times which seem against me and I am fighting so hard to get myself through this unexpected tough patch and tough as it often seems, I have this fiery determination brewing inside me to burst through and catch hold of my new dreams and wishes, because I know they are possible and I know it’s what I need and that’s what uplifts me, even when life is trying its hardest to kick me in the teeth!

image

The amount of times in the past few months that I have gone shopping to the supermarket and forgotten my bag for life (which in theory only lasts about 6 pints of milk, two bags of Kind Edwards and two thousand chocolate bars later) and have had to shamefully use a few plastic bags which the cashier reluctantly plonks down, making the loudest, disgruntled rustle imaginable. Well, there’s been a few of those times and I’ve quite simply had enough of letting myself and the ozone layer down! So, whilst I was happily dancing my way around Polkadot shop this morning, I discovered the above beauty. A floral clip bag thingamajig which I can attach to my handbag so, in theory, if I remember to re-clip it to my bag after using it, I’ll always have a reusable bag with me to take to the supermarket! I don’t know who thought that up but they’re a genius! I just have to do my bit and keep it clipped on! Tricky times…

image

This is little wooden wall hanging was also from Polkadot and its caught my eye on a few occasions, however, misery guts has been a little too disgruntled about life to by anything with the word heart on so soon, so I haven’t touched it! But today felt like that silly emotional restriction was a better time than any to stop, so, gleefully & carefully I picked it off the hanger and took it to the counter.

A dream is a wish your heart makes

i have been wanting to get an inspirational cute wall plaque for a while and this one seemed perfect. I love the design and font on the White wooden square and knew exactly where it would go in my room. It’s now hanging next to the shelf with my angel figurines and fairy dust ✨ Obvs…

image

Sparkle Every Day…

Boy oh boy and does it sparkle! This is my new favourite nail varnish and might be my current favourite thing! Rimmel  have created a little jar of magic when they made this and to brush is gently onto my nails appears to be a real treat. I have never been keen on glittery nail varnish as I’ve worried they look a bit too partyish and not very elegant… But I take it all back and hold my imaginary unicorn tail between my legs! It’s the most beautifully elegant nail varnish I’ve worn in a very long time! The delicate shimmery golden gloss mixed with the dots of purple glitter glides adorably over my nails with a varied but terrific coverage. It feels very Autumnal thanks to the golden shimmer but could be worn in any season I feel. It’s just so pretty to look at on my nails and in the tiny jar. So pretty in fact that it’s taken pride place on my new shelf which I’m very happy about. You’ll be able to see that in my Favourite Things post which I’ll be doing very soon. It also has excellent staying power and only needs one top up coat and it’s good for a couple of days. You do have to be quite firm when taking it off mind you, but a little bit of elbow grease never hurt anyone 😉 At risk of sounding like a double cheese burger with extra cheese and a side of cheese; with this nail varnish, you really do sparkle every day… ✨

image

I think I let out a too-loud-for-public yelp of glee when I first stumbled upon the set of books by M.C.Beaton, whilst I was gallantly striding in and out of the shelves at my love palace, Waterstones.

I was heading fiercely towards the crime section with intent to find a gripping novel about a gruesome murder with gory details, the sort of spine chilling page turner that would make Stephen King shiver. Instead, I pick up the girliest lady detective books that exists in the whole book shop and pant with happiness like a dog in a bone store!

A Spell of Trouble by the Seaside

Agatha Raisin and the Witch of Wyckhadden is one of a series of books by this author and in true classic Amy, I didn’t buy the first of the set, I picked one slap bang in the middle. But the plot sounds great and they’re clearly a set of books not short on humour dotted around here and there. I’ve mentioned here and there of my dream to be a lady detective and these books are only going to add tons of fuel to that fire. Funnily enough, I’ve picked another book where a woman is fleeing to the seaside in a bid to re-establish herself and re fluff up her feathers ready to take the world by storm again. I don’t know about you, but I think that screams volumes!…

So there you have it, my recent purchases I am simply thrilled with! I shall leave you with these little pieces of advice…

All that glitter and all that gold, can in actual fact buy you happy ✨

A dream is a wish your heart makes, so keep your heart strong and your dreams will be too.

Always keep a bag for life with you, preferably firmly attached to the bag you’re taking out. If not, there really is just no point…

And if you get repeated urges to escape to the seaside, you probably should go and establish whether you’re there to soak up the sun ( a good joke I know), re affirm your life’s dreams and ambitions or whether you’re just lost and have no idea why you’re on a filthy sandy beach in winter, sea spray splashing onto your frozen body and an ear ache so bad from the sea breeze, you consider stuffing a 99 over your ears for slight warmth!

With that chums, before I go off on a tangent… I shall bid you goodnight.

Amy 🌸

My Love/Hate Friendship with Autumn

 

If I’m being completely honest, which I feel I should be here, September has come and is going far quicker than I ever thought it would. This year was supposed to turn into something much different to what it has and the month of September held a very significant point to all of it. Alas, things have not happened the way I thought they were going to at the start of the year and now this time of year holds a very bitter sweet existence in my life. Where I absolutely adore autumn and the magical beauty the season brings, I am sorely reminded that I am not in the place I thought I would be and instead, I find myself alone, at 3 in the morning doing everything I can to distract myself from thinking about the one thing that used to bring me so much joy, but which now exists only as a forbidden memory within my scarred mind. Which I spend hours trying to ignore and which is still finding ways to creep into my thoughts when I’m least expecting it, when my guard is down. And it’s annoying. Really really annoying. After all of my hard work and strength to ease my mind and thoughts from the misery it’s known, for it all to be threatened by a moments reminder of such harrowing times. It’s just annoying.

I can only describe it as corner of the eye phenomena… You know when (in literal terms) you see something in the corner of your eye and if you’re not scared, turn your head to catch a glimpse of what it was taunting you? But what if it’s something a bit more sinister that’s hanging around in that corner of your eye, on in my case mind? You’re not so quick to turn your head then to confront this annoying presence of unknown entity. And you stare straight in front of you keeping your head completely still, not looking round once. Not acknowledging it for one second, because you know if you do, you’ll be consumed by this terrifying force that is primed and waiting to pounce on your soul and destroy every last bit of the strength you’ve gone to so much trouble to build. So yeah, this tormented memory is lingering around in the corner of my mind, as though it belongs there (which it doesn’t) and every so often it will creep round so far into my thoughts enough to make me acknowledge it and with nowhere to run or look away, I see it and I think about it. But I still have the power over this thing. Because I have not let it consume me. Not once. And I certainly don’t intend on letting it ever consume me. For the times when it did, when I was living the horror of this memory, I know it’s a place I never want to enter again. And that’s good enough knowledge to bring myself back from stepping into its being.

This is heavy!

image

Also, with the coming of Autumn, means my M.E. is putting in quite the effort to show its ugly face and I am currently feeling the force of it, like I haven’t done for a few years. I notice my M.E. a lot more during season change and Autumn is no exception. I am having some very unwell days at the moment and so far, I have only been sent home ill from work once in the last couple of months, but I fear as we go deeper into the season, that might just increase.

I’ve had M.E. since I was 7 years old so 17 years later, I can safely say I’m quite well acquainted with what to expect. It hasn’t been this bad in absolutely ages and I feel completely floored by it. It’s honestly knocked me for six. I’m spending all day every day in pain all over struggling to walk up and down the stairs without a dull ache soaring through my legs, my back feels like someone is running over it with an army tank and the rest of feels pretty similar. I don’t think there is one part of me that isn’t effected. Aside from the severe aches and pains which are foremost at the moment, comes a myriad of other problems that goes with it. Such as constant tiredness, sleep pattern problems (which is why I’m writing this morbid essay at 3.30am), brain fog and concentration difficulties, memory issues, colds and other infections, raised and painful glands, irritability and sensitivity to just about everything which effects all of the senses. This is all alongside holding down an 8.30am – 6pm job which sees me on my feet all day moving around an awful lot, with only an hour at lunch to flop myself down on the nearest chair and eat, whimper, repeat until it’s time to go back to the grind.

I’d be interested to find out if any other M.E. sporter experiences flare ups during season change as I seem to get this each time. Just not spring to summer but I think that’s because no one in the history of ever, can tell the flaming difference between the two! And if you can then you probably have special powers and should be knighted by the queen. And dame hood if you’re a girl, obvs. And if you’re not an M.E. expert, you can read more about it here if you so wish.

But I do love Autumn and always get excited when it arrives, I just have a few difficulties during it. It brings so many exciting things like brown crunchy leaves which fall to the ground and conveniently collect in big piles so someone walking along can come and have fun buoyantly kicking them into the air bringing them back to life and making the kicker and cruncher entirely happy. And there’s Halloween, and darker evenings and mornings, and the return of woollen knitwear and great telly. Because who agrees TV shows greatly improve once we reach autumn? 🙋🏻 I mean, there’s Doctor Who and Strictly Come Dancing and The Great British Bake Off and The Apprentice and some exciting new drama always starts one the BBC, so really, Autumn is the place to be… Just with Paracetamol and a hot water bottle if you’re me. Gosh, don’t I build the most stylish of pictures!?

I’m going to be doing more Autumn related posts in the coming weeks, but happier ones like my Autumn wishlist and  a favourites post too, because I do have quite a few favourite things building up and I need to let everyone know!

Amy 🌸

Teacups, Trays & Bows 🎀

 

After a dramatic evening and a night filled with dreams I could really do without, I felt the need to distract myself with something pretty. So, yesterday morning, I took a trip into town and visited the little shops I like.

Polkadot Home was the first shop and love it in there. They have so many beautiful furnishings for the home ranging from a lovely nautical collection of fairy lights, candles and shells, to modern cushions, high end gardening gifts and clocks. The clocks are all hanging on the back wall of the shop against some very pretty wallpaper; it’s really very effective.

I had a good old nosy around yesterday and managed to stumble across a couple of little beauties.


When I saw this espresso cup & saucer set hidden away on a lower shelf amongst other little treasures, I think I did a little victory dance! I’d eyed this up a few weeks ago when I’d previously been there but it had gone all the other times. This time it was back and as I was happily gazing at it, I feel more and more in love with it. The design is so elegant & quirky. And I think I’ve realised that really is my style of homeware and decorations; Elegant & Quirky. It’s just a shame that I can’t seem to find a shop in my price range who specialise in that style of products. A huuuuge shame! So, I was standing there thinking to myself, this cup & saucer must be at least £10 maybe even £15, but as I delicately picked up the saucer and turned it over, to my intense surprise and joy, I read the price label. £6.99 this bundle of joy was and so I thought, “I’m having that!” And I did and here it is and I am so happy! It’s all tiny and cute and will not be used for espresso (as very sadly, I don’t own an espresso machine), instead it has been placed on my bedside table. I’ve put some of my crystals/tumble stones on the saucer and a tea light candle in the cup and it looks really cute. Yay! ✨


The next pretty purchase is this delightful mini tray, seen above, which I also bought from Polkadot Home shop. It’s a floral decoration or should I say botanical. I think it’s more gardeny than say, Kath Kidston. They also came in blue and black and while I loved the others, the cream version just felt more my style than the bolder effect of the others. I’d had a few ideas of things I could keep on the tray but I have decided to use it for keeping my hair clips on as they’re always scattered around my bedroom!


And the last little purchase is this Polkadot bow head band and bow clips from Peacocks. Since having shorter hair, I have felt the need for outlandish hair furniture and so when I discovered these on the shelves of Peacocks, I decided they would be the start of my collection of colourful hair bits. I am wearing the Polkadot bow band today and while I’m slightly paranoid that I look like I belong on the driveway to Disneyland Paris, I am enjoying the look and knowing I’m wearing it, is making me feel more upbeat strangely. But I’m not complaining… Anything to make me more upbeat! Just not in a Minnie Mouse kind of way. I can squeak at the best of times when I’m hyper but looking like the squeak isn’t really what I’m after. Anywho, I am mildly in love with it so far and can’t wait to find more online. The other are bows that clip onto the hair. One is like denim, one is quite colourful and reminds me of Hawaii for some reason, and the other is white and has a kind of crochet effect. They’re all pretty and act as a statement piece for the hair. I’m all about the bows this year it would seem!🎀 😃
Amy 🌸

A Midweek Muse…

 

After a topsy tervy weekend & Sunday night topping everything off badly, by the time Monday morning came around, I was in a not so great place and I found myself in the doctors waiting room, early morning.

I have slowly felt my anxiety and negative feelings creep back into the equation recently, but it’s always seemed manageable with some Bach Rescue Remedy and chocolate. However, this time felt different. And so, after a trip to the docs, I came away not much better off. Unsurprisingly. She thought it would be a marvellous idea for me to talk to someone about the things that make me anxious and low, and I looked at her and thought “great, I have to drag up everything I’m working so damn hard to put behind me, hear how pitiful to mankind it is and then humiliation on the table, wait to see if she replies to any of this or if it’s just a ‘get it out of your system’ excerise!” It’s not really my cup of tea as I don’t blab and blab about my feelings, certainly not to a stranger, so I’m very sceptical. Anyway, that’s not until September so I’ve only got 6 weeks to deal with all of this, I’ll probably have cured myself by the time September comes around! 🍂

I’ve found it very difficult to write for my blog, on Twitter, in my notebook… I’ve stopped gardening, am hiding away in my room when I can and tear up at any given moment. At work I’ll feel snappy, anxious, stressed and take everything personally, and the amount of times I’ve declared I’m finding a new job, is probably unhealthy. But I do need to find a new job anyway, so that part is relevant. But sometimes, when that panic is building in your mind, the emotion is building in your chest and heart starts racing and your breathing quickens, that’s when everything begins to feel impossible. Either impossible to deal with, cope with, dream of, continue with and even just talking to someone or messaging them feels like a huge stressful action which adds to the dread. I won’t go on too much as it’s quite a personal thing for me and I prefer keeping my feelings fairly private, but yeah, I just wanted to touch lightly on where I am currently with life and how, despite everyone telling me how well I’m doing (given circumstances), inside I’m still fighting quite a big battle of emotions and spontaneous feelings of panic and being a failure. 😖

I havent even even been to Jazzercise this week… Monday I wasn’t well enough and Wednesday night was cancelled which was a huge disssapointment as I’d psyched myself up for it and I’d abandoned dinner I’d made to get there on time… But in hindsight it was just as well they’d cancelled as I had definitely left my water bottle at home, so I would have been flapping around like a dehydrated fish at a ‘Fame’ night if I’d been there without my water!

So instead…IMG_5201

Once I’d returned home deflated but hungry, I gobbled my dinner and watched two episodes of Celebrity Masterchef which I’m surprisingly in to, and delved about in the fridge for my strawberries and yogurt! With a complementary bar of chocolate of course. Everything comes with a bar of chocolate these days! For me, not everyone! Obvs! 🍫😋

I always know where I am in life when I wake up of a morning and decide I want to get a dramatic hair cut… Which is what happened yesterday… Right, gather round, sssh, quietly, someone might hear! Ok, *whispering* I haven’t been to the hairdressers for 5 years! *resuming normal voice* I know I know, it’s hideously shocking and I am ashamed of myself, don’t worry! But it’s all rectified as I’ve booked an appointment this coming Saturday afternoon for a complete restyle! I want an Audrey Tautou! I’ve studied her short hair on google images (as you do) and it looks so cute, so that’s what I’m going to ask for. An Audrey Tautou. I’m not sure if it’s like the ‘Rachel’ phenomenon, or the ‘Meg Ryan’, but I’m not one to conform to any trend, so I’ll set my own! I’ve only ever had short hair once, five years ago funnily enough, and kind of liked it, but with a nicer style this time, I think I may just stick with it if she does it well enough. Yay! Haircut! ☺️

I’ll do a whole post-hair-cut-post after its done Saturday afternoon and hopefully without a Bailey’s bottle in hand! Although, it would be a nice treat… No Amy, the haircut is the treat! Slippery slope! Slippery slope! … Oooh, a slope with Bailey’s poured down it would be slippery…

A girl can dream… ✨

Amy 🌸

My Friday Blues…

 

As I write this, I am sat surrounded by a myriad of bowls and tuppaware strategically placed around my room, in vain attempt of catching the multiple leaks in my ceiling where the torrential rain is having great fun tidal waving in… I know I live in an old house but something’s got to give… Right?
I shamefully spent all morning in my bed, feeling very blue and not wanting to move. Have you ever felt that? When you really don’t want to move, either because you’re sooo comfy or because moving would seem futile, or even just because there’s no real need to?
Well, that was me this morning. I wasn’t even feeling sorry for myself.
I’d woken from a lovely, out of the blue dream, felt great when I opened my eyes, felt as though I was being hugged inside and even had a smile creep across my face.
But slowly, as the early morning saw 7am, then 8am, I began going down hill. Once I’d woken from my dream, blissfully happy (the first time in ages) at 5.15am, it was then I made my first mistake and a mistake that led me to staying in bed all morning. For I stupidly got out of bed at dawn and left my room… After being instantly hounded by a certain person, I felt a huge pang of anxiety overtake my mind and body and all the peace and fuzziness that I had woken up with, ran for the hills leaving me shutting myself in my room again trying to block it all out.
It’s a running trend with me, that the moment I feel at ease and peaceful, anxiety and worry comes a knocking and it all appears wasted and unattainable.
So, in true rebel fashion (for me at least), I holed myself in my room for the morning, scoffing back a donut, chocolate, coffee, tea and three (no really, 3!) crumpets with extra butter! I’m not sure if it was a minor breakdown or just the immediate reaction to having my inner peace destroyed in a matter of seconds, but it was actually a pretty ok way to spend my morning. I did productive things like write and job search, but I felt guilty that I’d reacted to one moment of stress in such a selfish way. That’s the thing about anxiety though, it creeps up on you silently and pounces on you when you’re at your assumed calmest and therefore makes you doubt you’re ever able to be truly calm. Such a shame after waking from my wonderful dream I’m not entirely sure what to make of!

IMG_5152-0

Fortunately, I had the excellent excuse of Friday lunchtime coffee with the girls from work to get ready for, which saved me from indulging in the very tempting thought of staying barricaded in my room for the rest of the day. I got bathed and dressed, did my hair and make up, and found my old brolly to brave the rain, and set off to the coffee shop. I was first to arrive and I ordered my pot of Twinings English Breakfast Tea, sat at a table for four and tried as best I could to be ready for socialising. There is such a big part of me which dreads group situations as I always feel like all eyes are on me and that anything I pluck up the courage to say, sounds the most ludicrous thing since Nick Clegg told students that Uni fees would decrease. They didn’t arrive straight away so as I sipped my very tasty tea, I grabbed my notebook from my bag and started to write. It felt good to write in a place I’d never written in before. It almost puts a different perspective on things and it’s very interesting. You should try it! It wasn’t long before the others arrived and once everyone had ordered their coffees, we all managed to engage in a relatively enjoyable conversation which wasn’t too agitating for me. Win win…

🌸🌳🌻🌿

The last couple of weeks has had its ups and down. Just when you think a day is going to be ok and you’ve got a good idea of what you’re about to do next, something swoops in and brings you down in an instance, flattening your mood, wiping out your enthusiasm and leaving you with the feeling of dread in whatever you’re about to do next. I am going through a period of unsettling uncertainty about my future; where I live, my career & the career change I want and need so much, my health, my family… Everything is whirring round my mind, frenzied curiosity matched with frenzied fear that now I’ve messed up one important thing, I’m messing up everything else and I’m destined to live forever, the way I am now.

While moving back home after ‘that horrible thing’ happened gave me what I needed at that point, it’s not what I’m going to need forever and I feel I’m beginning to need something very different right now.
The job I’ve had for 7 years is very rarely satisfying these days and I’m struggling to tolerate a lot of things there, which is making me dread going to work in the mornings and leaving me with a strange sense of regret at the end of the day. Bottom line, I know I can do better. Better than my current performance in my current job, and better career wise. I’m good at what I do, but through lack of a lot of things, my motivation has depleted significantly and I now realise my performance in the last year has not exactly diminished, it just hasn’t grown. It hasn’t had the opportunity to grow.
I can be very conscientious and enthusiastic when I feel strongly about my cause/role, but when my role is stagnating and repetitive, I find it’s difficult to maintain that level of enjoyment and energy that employers need. It’s hard to impress in a job in which you are bound by repetitive tasks, a small working environment and team, and no room to show any other skills and attributes you may have. Therefore, receiving very infrequent acknowledgement/praise for your work… I need a career change and now!

image

Then there’s the hugerer matter of my living arrangements… I am struggling continuing living with my parents now. They were supportive during my time of need and I have been very appreciative of that, but we are very different people.
I’m 24, I don’t want to be living at home. I know there are lots of people my age living at home because house/rent prices are way too high and yes, if I was in a different financial position, I’d be finding a cute little apartment in the city where I could escape to and make my castle of happiness and proud Singletonsville living.

IMG_4105

I have built this very rose tinted image in my head of what my apartment would look like; autumn rain dancing on the city streets below, fairy lights softy lighting my living room to ease the grey cloud shadows penning in through the Georgian windows. Lighthearted, upbeat jazz music playing quietly in the background… Pianos and saxophones filling the Sunday afternoon air around the cosy building, creating a warm and fuzzy atmosphere. Classy pictures on the wall of Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe dotted around, along with dramatic framed pictures of New York City and London. Frank Sinatra albums stacked on the media shelf next to Swing hits and “Music for Fine Dining”. Jam bubbling away in a pan on the stove in the kitchen while scribbled blog notes scattered in numbers occupy the living room coffee table.
Big green leafy plants fill the rooms with geranium & hyacinths on windowsills, ferns in the corners of the rooms and a herb garden in the kitchen. Soft, fluffy rugs on the floor and matching throws on the chairs to cuddle up with on a rainy afternoon whilst listening to that autumn rain splash heavily on the roof, as a lighthearted Woody Allen film plays quietly on the TV. Preferably “You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger” or “To Rome With Love”.
Little shelves dotted here and there with books on some, plants on others and special shelves for precious trinkets & photos.
Oh the dreams to be a chic city girl and not the floundering village country bumpkin I currently am. Ok, maybe not quite a country bumpkin, but I know everyone in the village, work in the village and I’m starting to like the smell of manure… I need to escape. I need to become friends with exhaust, buddy up with buses, get pally with pollution… Anything to transform me to city girl extraordinaire! Pronto! PDQ! STAT! ASAP! Like yesterday!
I am seriously at risk of a) spending the rest of my life in the same village I have grown up in and work in and b) becoming the leading lady of a new series of Little House On The Prairie. Or worse… The Waltons.
Now, if I had a chilled Bailey’s on the rocks in one hand and a bar of Galaxy in the other, maybe life wouldn’t seem so daunting, so final, so death sentancy… But I have neither and all I have in my hand is the empty glass of water I need to refill but am too scared to go downstairs to the kitchen by myself in the dark. What. A. Rediculous. Human. Being. Oh god, I can practically hear someone saying that now to me, in a Simon Cowell voice. *Puts fingers in ears* “La la la la”…
Ok, so in reality, all my apartment/ city based rose tinted fantasies are at present, a distant dream on the barely visible horizon, so for the time being, I need to find a way to make it happen. To make that particular dream come true. It’s ok, I don’t need to make any huge changes, I’ll be just fine. Only the career change, the studying I need to decide on to allow me to change career and working out my finances to fund this move to the city… Why I always dream of the big stuff in life is still a mystery to even those close to me. Sigmund Frued would have a field day with me…

So there it is, my blues that have taken up this Friday. Although I have a ton of things to be grateful for, I am thinking over the areas of my life which just aren’t going down so well. I know what I want, it’s just achieving it and getting myself there that’s going to be the tricky part. But I love a challenge and I definitely have one on my hands with this!

Do you have a dream you’re dreaming of but finding it difficult to see your way along the misty path? I’d love to hear your aspirations and how you’re achieving them so please leave a little comment if you feel like it 🙂

Thank you for reading,

Amy 🌸

What’s in my Handbag 🎒

Forever struggling with my medium sized cross-body bag which I’ve had for years and finding myself constantly shoving it back further onto my hip as its shunted round to my front because of its weight, I announce I am now in search of a brand new bag.

As I am finding my feet with writing again as I now (tragically & pleasingly) have a lot more time to myself nowadays, I am wanting to carry around notebooks and sometimes my iPad, for the moments of madness and inclings of inspiration that sometimes befalls me. And to have a sentence or even a paragraph come into your head and not have the means to write it down before it dashes away, I’m sure many of you know how upsetting that is.

On with the show… My bag!

  1. My iPad. I don’t often carry it with me to work but occasionally I like to just so I can type what I need to say instead of writing. I don’t always have the concentration to write neatly enough to read it back later! Oh, and she’s called Ruby 😄 I give a lot of inanimate objects a name… I don’t know what that says about me…
  2. My Paperchase purse. 👛 This is reasonably new… I love how floral it is and that it zips the way round, but I am struggling with it a bit now as its a bit too stiff to open now I’ve put everything in there… And I don’t mean all my money unfortunately, I mean member cards, receipts, notes and other bits and bobs I’ve decided would be great stored away in my purse that have no relation to money whatsoever! Plus not overly digging the material.
  3. My make up bag. 💄 Again, Paperchase. Finding it a bit too small for my make up contents now… And the zip is broken so I’m using a safety pin. How very “make do and mend” of me! I need to get a new one really, but a bigger make up bag means a bigger handbag… Right?
  4. The Clockwork Sparrow book by Katherine Woodfine. I haven’t started reading it yet but it looks and sounds very good so I really am going to have to knuckle down and get on and read it. I’m famous for reading the blurb on the backs of books and claiming I’ve read the whole thing… So, so shameful! 📚
  5. My “Baldwins Nervous Pills” notebook. This was given to me as a joke as my last name is Baldwin… I’d never heard of the brand before, but it turns out they’re quite big. I’m classing it as my claim to fame. If I don’t with this, I never will with anything! 😎
  6. “The Little Book Of Calm” book. My Granny bought this for me quite a few years ago when I was in those distant memories of late teenhood. One of my favourite pages; “Frown Darkly”. 😡 There is no other way of frowning for me! It really can provide a little distraction and thought change when you’re freaking out a little, having a moment or someone in the room has shaken your tail feather slightly. But if you’re beyond anger, feeling really depressed or in full blown panic attack mode, I’ve found the Little Book Of Calm doesn’t really cut the mustard. You can pretend, sure, go ahead. Fool yourself that you can remain calm and stay sane. But it’s risky business. Trust me, it’s a cute tiny book that will fit in the smallest of bags, if you’re that dedicated to it, and I’m sure looks great to people you pull it out in front of. But when you’re manically flipping through pages walking through the city streets, crying hysterically  😭😱 and shouting swear words to the tiny book in your hands at why it hasn’t calmed you yet, that’s when it’s time to accept the book doesn’t actually work the way you’d hoped it would and it’s time to seek therapy. Or at least that’s what the professionals have told me… Moving on to number 7, quickly…
  7. My glasses… No overly long description of these needed in the slightest. They do what they say they’re meant to do on my specsavers prescription. Just not very well…
  8. My life saving little stash of Twinings Lemon and Ginger teabags in a playing cards tin from Paperchase. And I’m not going to lie, it does look a little dodgy when I pull the small metal tin out of my bag at work and declare I need a moment of calm… Today for example, I got some strange looks 👀 after I’d applied some hand cream & then tried to open said metal tin… Well, slippery and awkward springs to mind. And even more awkward when I had to ask my manager to open it for me, followed by me declaring it was nothing dodgy in the slightest and most certainly wasn’t me about to suggest we play a game of cards mid shift. I often use little tins for things that most definitely don’t involve hash! Usually teabags, nuts and seeds and trinkets. I lead a far more innocent life than my handbag leads itself to believe.
  9. iPhone charger. I have this genuine worry that I’ll get stuck somewhere and run out of battery on my phone. I honestly cannot bare the thought of that so, wherever I lay my phone charger, that’s my home.
  10. A couple of rings. I am usually found wearing a ring of some sorts but I like to keep one or two in my bag, just in case. And by just in case, I mean having to suddenly pretend I’m very married 👰🏼 should a creepy guy start to show an interest. Not that that’s ever happened, but I feel it’s good to be prepared and does provide minor comfort.
  11. A pen. And while I’d love to have some witty anecdote shoved right up my sleeve about this bad, bad pen, I haven’t, but I do have some great uses for it and they often involve noting down strange happenstances, dodgy numberplates and sudden ramblings.
  12. Earphones. I have tWo pretty shoddy pairs which I will either have at home or in my bag, both falling foul to that tangled up malarkey and sounding properly grainy, like the old records do from the olden days… Who needs to hear every part of a song clearly these days?
  13. Spare hair grips for those windy days when bits of hair you thought were securely shoved in place, declare war against you and make a bid for freedom; Messing up my look and not to mention the sane look I’d just manage to perfect through neater hair. 🙆🏼
  14. My keys. With a temporary key ring I bought in the sale from Polkadot Home. 99p later and I no longer need to store my key in my purse… I give it 3 weeks before it breaks and I end up back to square one.
  15. Dove Intensive Nourishment hand cream. This is lovely stuff. Absorbs into the skin beautifully, makes my hands look all soft and shiney and smells divine. What more could you want from hand cream?
  16. Last of all, my trusty Bach Rescue Remedy. I am a big fan of all things Bach and all things herbal/natural as a means of calming ones self. A cute tiny yellow wrapped bottle with a dropper that drops brandy tasting drop,rats onto your tongue and turns a moment of horror into the opposite in a matter of minutes. Or so I believe anyway. Even just carrying it around in my bag can sometimes be just as comforting as taking it. I love how it’s there, at the very second I begin to feel a bit wobbly (quite a lot), it’s there like a little bottled friend. And seriously, it tastes just like brandy and no, that’s not why I love it so much… I don’t like brandy. But I do love my bottle of rescuing drops for those moments where I do need to be rescued. For the record, that’s not very often, I’m quite capable and together thank you very much! Despite the impression numbers 6, 8 & 13 of this post give 😜


So there it is… The current contents of my bag, ever growing, ever changing and about to have itself a whole new home hopefully, providing I can actually buy a bag and not just stare at pretty ones online for the next 6 months because I’m a dreadful impulsive buyer who overthinks all purchases like an absolute saddo!


Amy 🌸