It’s one thirty in the morning and I haven’t late night blogged in a very long time.
It feels like home.
I have started this year feeling a little more brave than I felt last year.
It’s amazing how symbolic a change of date can be, and it got me thinking that if we treated each day as a fresh start (like at New Year), maybe we’d feel more capable, more brave, to keep going and pushing towards our dreams.
2017 had me feeling hopeless, scared and at more points than I care to admit, not wanting to go on.
I focused so much on how awful certain aspects of my life were and allowed my mind to be convinced that was all I’d ever have. And that prospect was too much. Too much to bare.
I still have a very dark cloud of worry hanging over me about something I don’t really want to write about on my blog, and I’m still unsure if that worry is just or unjust.
But I know that the worry is very real and trying to move forward with my life and live it to the full has been very difficult in the face of it.
This is something I hope to build on and transform this year.
To stop holding back living my life just because this thing I’m so chewed up over exists in my world daily; I need to accept it’s there, do what I can to help it, but realise there is still a life to live beyond it.
And since 2018 begun, a whole three days ago now, I have felt more enabled to do this. To start making the changes for me, that will hopefully deter the intense feelings that were so prevalent in me last year.
I know I need three things in order to move on positively this year.
A social life.
To develop my faith.
And a car – mainly to get me to said social events and give me a sense of freedom. Even if in reality I’m not an eagle soaring high above the ocean, I can pretend I am one cruising along at 30mph in my car.
I’m at the start of a new year, I know what I need.
I consider myself to be in a very lucrative position for my personal development.
I just need to not be dragged down by my constant worry and fear. That’s the difficult part.
And as for dating… If I meet someone, I meet someone. But I don’t think I’m going to actively search for Mr Right again just yet.
I want to focus on making me right before I try to find rightness in someone else.
I have too much going on in my own world to be able to fully focus on a relationship for the time being.
Things can change of course, and I don’t know what is around the corner. But I shall not be seeking it out.
2018 need to be about keeping my chin very up, keeping the chins of those close to me up and developing who I am as a person. Making sure my personality doesn’t goo off piste because of things I can’t change and have no control over.
2018 is about being brave. In so many areas. And you know what, I’m feeling brave.
2018, come at me – I’m ready!