The next person to tell me gleefully that we’re only a week away from Christmas and I am launching full-scale Grinch on them.
Having had a vile weekend feeling very low and full of self-doubt it’s safe to say my Christmas spirit is next to none.
I think the last time I posted here, I had been promoted at work and I was feeling all rejuvenated and excited about life.
Lesson one ; when feeling like that, it never lasts.
I don’t know if it’s just my plummeting self-esteem or the fact that I really am just utterly useless, but I am not feeling it with my role at work.
The pressure I feel to get it right and be this problem-free, energetic and motivational leader 24/7 and bounce back within an instance every time I get knocked down, is a challenge I don’t know if I can overcome.
I feel so confused with how I should be at work and what I’m struggling with more than anything right now, is battling my sadness. I can’t help but convince myself that I’m not doing a good enough job, and knowing that everyone is watching my every move and judging everything I say and do, makes me feel so on edge.
I’ve had no feed back, good or bad, so I have no clue how I’m actually doing.
I’m on a mission to keep my private life out of work these days, given my role there. But trying to do that when my life outside work is thoroughly unbearable and adding to a great deal of my anxiety, is making being a cool, confident professional next to impossible.
I want to do a good job, of course I do, but my fear and lack of confidence is holding me back. And I’m so aware of it.
Equally as concerning and confidence shattering as the previous.
Our cat Jack died suddenly three weeks ago. It was awful and shook everyone very much 🙁
I’m still not a journalist. I haven’t seen friends for an inexcusable amount of time and I feel like I’m floating further and further away from my family.
Harsh I know. But true-ish.
We’re having regular arguments, the living arrangements are just as infuriating as always and the more down I am, the less my relatives talk to me.
For example, if I am not the bouncy, positive comedian that I have been in the past, then people don’t like me. And it’s pretty obvious.
It’s like I’m not allowed to be anything other than okay.
And given that the majority of my time these days is spent feeling not okay, I’m pretty screwed.
I spend so much of my energy trying to help others and never expect anything back, other than a bit of gratitude.
But with close friends and family, I would appreciate being made to feel that it’s okay to not be 100%.
I see people run a mile in their head when they ask me how I am and I say “not good”. And it hurts. Do they want just the okay Amy, or do they want the whole Amy? Because I don’t think I can be constantly okay.
“But that all sounds like shit. Is there anything good?” I hear you ask.
Well, I’ve found a really lovely nail varnish from No.7, which is also my first ever product form No.7. I had a bit of an epiphany a couple of Sunday’s ago which has prompted me to reconnect with my spiritual side. This has brought some much-needed comfort in these recent times, but a huge part is still missing.
Netflix and Youtube are actual lifesavers, as are scented candles, the Audible app and my new BarryM highlighter pallet.
It’s safe to say, my life is a heady mix of massive hideousness and little pleasures.
One day it will all balance out and I’ll be happy and successful.
For now lasagna garlic bread and Benidorm calls.
Yours truly x