Sat on the porch of my front door looking at the bluebells, hearing the bird song and seeing the sun shining, the average person would probably be very happy.
Then there’s me.
It’s 2.40pm on Sunday afternoon and currently dealing with the excruciating weight of sadness and loneliness on me, threatening to undo all of the positive things that have happened this week.
This. This feeling is what I hurried myself to the doctor about last Friday and what she subsequently prescribed me tablets for and signed me off work for the week.
Then, after being very ill after one of those tablets, I stopped. I spent the week doing things which made me happy and relaxed, I ate, laughed, spent time in the garden. I had my low points but for the most part, I was stable.
But now, on this Sunday afternoon, by myself & thinking about all the things I shouldn’t be, I’m back to feeling paralysed with depression. Which worried me because this morning I was on top of life and yesterday, I applied for a job.
I found a job advert, liked the look of it, updates my CV and sent the application off. The same day. That’s never happened before and I was proud of myself. I felt like I had finally accomplished a step forward to changing my situation.
But today, this afternoon; nothing but sadness.
I don’t even think eating would help. I’ve done enough of it to come to that decision too.
Ya know, just to make sure.
I guess, it’s a bit like being a fish…
One minute you’re gliding through the beautiful ocean, free as the drift wood on the horizon and light as the air, noticing all the colours of the sea bed, waving to all the other sea life.
Then woosh, you’re caught up suddenly in this tangly net, trapped and sinking deep into the dark abyss from which you can’t escape. The colours that kept the hope alive are now gone and no one is waving back at you.
Down you go, sinking to the bottom, unnoticed, alone, swallowed whole by the darkness.
Who knows when I’ll rise to the surface again. Right now, nothing is certain.