The mind is a curious thing.
It can pick you up off the floor one minute and remind you of all you have to live for.
It can be your salvation the next, calming you from that memory invading your head for the umpteenth time that day.
But sometimes; sometimes it can turn on you like a disloyal friend and it can be the reason you’re on the floor, laying there paralyzed and letting those thoughts fill your mind.
Breaking your heart again.
Betraying you and leaving you for dead.
Just like he did.
As your mind whirs and your heart races, a confusion of whether to allow it to continue momentarily replaces the hell you’re living in your head. And whilst it crosses your mind to pick yourself up and brush yourself off (yet again), the temptation to just give in to it takes over, and so there we go; the fall of self destruction begins. For there becomes a point in the mess of it all, when ignoring the pain, shutting out the memories and pretending that you’re fine, becomes all too impossible for a short time. And it’s during that time when a hundred questions race in, a thousand alternative endings take refuge and a million reasons to doubt yourself take hold and consume you like the monster you were convinced lived under your bed as a child.
Ruthless. Heartless. Desperate to make you feel as much guilt as is humanly possible.
For me, it’s like a life sentence of injustice.
Of allowing yourself to accept the blame which is forced upon you to the extent you no longer know if you believe your version of the truth anymore. Even though deep down, the unbroken person inside you, deep inside you, is screaming and shouting to wake you out of this destructive trance and bring you back to reality; that, despite the betrayal of your mind and the indecision of your heart, you know the truth. You know what the truth of the matter is and you’re currently the only one with any balls and any gumption to acknowledge it.
If I have learnt one thing from my myriad of destructive mind fecks, it’s that you should never be afraid to stand by what you believe to be the truth. If it has effected your moral reasoning and beliefs to the extent you would sacrifice the thing you believed in the most through events which tore you apart, then there must be a shred of truth to it all.
If not, then what’s it all for?
What is the point of the heart?
What is the point of the mind?