Weight: 136lb Song Of The Day: Into The Groove
“Can you enter your pin please Sir?”
The question from the supermarket checkout assistant yesterday, which topped the tone of this shitty week off quite well.
Rewind all the way back to Monday, when the fun and games really started.
I have thighs the size of Australia, hair which resembles a 1950’s perm (funnily enough, the only hairstyle my granny has approved of in about 20 years) and the spot outbreak of a 15 year old boy about to sit exams. So, naturally, I have spent this weekend drowning my sorrows with Oreo Ice Creams, Doughnuts and Chocolate Stars. Oh and chocolate gooey pudding with cream. And as I sit here, slowly, mournfully prodding the cellulite that has taken camp on my thighs, I listen to Into The Groove by the walking ligament herself, Madonna.
I plan on having Jacket Potato with cheese for lunch followed by probably another doughnut; and while I quickly eat myself into an early grave, at least my soul will be soothed and my mind will be calm. However carotid my arteries are and how fun my tummy would be as a roller coaster. I never thought of myself as a comfort eater, but since being dumped and spending a month after with my weight plummeting to unhealthy levels, I quickly learnt how to put on weight. And well, the 6 months which have followed, have been a happy realisation of my love for food. We all eat less when we’re with someone, don’t we? I guess unless you’re 5 years down the line and your partner has come to ignore your bad habits of not giving one iota of a crap about calorie intake, excessive wind and your misunderstanding of portion sizes and fashion choices. I mean, if men are that fussed, they should just bloody marry the love child of Trinny & Susannah and Gillian McKeith!
Anyway, I appear to have many irritations at the moment; close this page now if you’re one of life’s annoyingly cheerful people who smile at Funerals and strangers to spread love or whatever…
Annoyances Bullet pointed because no one wants to read paragraphs of drivel.
- Adele’s new song – If I wanted to listen to whale music, I’d buy a tape. Cheers love.
- Unnecessarily happy people – Because noone’s surely that flaming happy.
- Big trolly’s in supermarkets – “Get in way why don’t you, it’s not like I was looking at that shelf anyway.”
- Being publicly undermined – If you like that, you’re weird.
- How small Oreo Ice Creams are – Because yummy.
- Little flies – In the ear, up the nose, repeat.
- Being mistaken for a man.
Just so we’re all clear, there are undoubtedly plenty more annoyances, but because it’s a disastrous 40 minutes since I last ate carbohydrates, my brain is malfunctioning. So I’ll bid you farewell and be off, to destroy a baked potato with cheese and carry on shoe shopping for next weekend. A task I actually don’t enjoy but one which is highly necessary if I don’t want to walk around in a cocktail dress with biker boots on!
Oh and I must book train tickets for December. I must, I must, I must!