The wind is picking up along with the grizzly rain outside as “Shelter From The Storm” by Bob Dylan plays in the background. I have been up since 5.30am, and the early morning darkness of autumn days to come is beginning to weave it’s magical effect.
I know to some, dark mornings and evenings can cause a sad or blue feeling but for me it’s those moments when I feel the happiest. I am an Autumn and Winter gal myself and the very fact we are approaching those seasons full steam ahead, is seeing me wave very vigorously goodbye to summer. As some of you might know, this summer saw some unhappy events for me and I guess it just feels symbolic that I’m entering a different season to the one which brought so much heart break, and that new times are now dawning.
I am back to where I was 2 years ago… Maybe a slightly more mature version of myself, but the same life arrangements. What has filled the past year and a half feels as though I escaped that arrangement for a while and now that escape is no more, I am back to my childhood home with a world of possibilities at my feet. And a few months ago, that prospect would have done nothing but terrify me into a state of depressed denial. But I have finally discovered I am in a pretty lucrative position for once, where I now have the time and freedom to really decide which way I want my life to go, what I want to study, where I want to live (however impossible moving into my own place might seem right now) and when I chose to go about all of that. Before, I was going along with someone else’s plan and forcing myself to live their dream because I loved them and would have done anything to make it work. But, during that misguided period, I forgot my own dreams, my own path I have waiting for me to walk down. Because I am not done, with education or studying or change or building something real for myself. I want my own dream, my own life and my own acheivements. I don’t want to live in the path of someone else’s dream. And it is only fairly recently that I have come to understand this. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted 4 months ago, but what I was ‘wanting’, was never going to truly make me happy, as it was someone’s else’s life path.
Currently, I am going through days where I get waves of enlightened inspiration when I get excited about something I could do and study, but then follow the days of hopelessness and self doubt. And I suppose the latter days are occurring more often than the others, which is holding me back and keeping me from moving forward and making important decisions. I don’t want to just jump into something and make the wrong choice but in essence I am just spending too much time being indecisive. Not stalling, as I am so enthusiastic to move forward and change my career and home, but I mull things over way too much and that is a well established habit with me.
I pride myself with the knowledge that I am not allowing myself to stop and dwell on what I have lost and how things could have been, instead I am keeping my mind on track to think ahead and keep moving, keep going and keep believing. Believing in a better time, a bigger dream, believing in me. And yes, that may be my biggest challenge of all, believing in myself, but I know what I’ve got myself through and know I am capable of getting myself through so much more, it’s just up to me to put it into practice and use that ability creatively.
This is my life, my future, my ambition. I am not going to waste and I will build a strong and happy future for myself, by doing things my own way. I do not need to live in the path of someone else glory or dream. I have my own going on right here thank you. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to let them pass me by.
Believe in better times, bigger dreams and most of all, believe in yourself. It is one of the strongest attributes you can have for yourself.