After a topsy tervy weekend & Sunday night topping everything off badly, by the time Monday morning came around, I was in a not so great place and I found myself in the doctors waiting room, early morning.
I have slowly felt my anxiety and negative feelings creep back into the equation recently, but it’s always seemed manageable with some Bach Rescue Remedy and chocolate. However, this time felt different. And so, after a trip to the docs, I came away not much better off. Unsurprisingly. She thought it would be a marvellous idea for me to talk to someone about the things that make me anxious and low, and I looked at her and thought “great, I have to drag up everything I’m working so damn hard to put behind me, hear how pitiful to mankind it is and then humiliation on the table, wait to see if she replies to any of this or if it’s just a ‘get it out of your system’ excerise!” It’s not really my cup of tea as I don’t blab and blab about my feelings, certainly not to a stranger, so I’m very sceptical. Anyway, that’s not until September so I’ve only got 6 weeks to deal with all of this, I’ll probably have cured myself by the time September comes around! 🍂
I’ve found it very difficult to write for my blog, on Twitter, in my notebook… I’ve stopped gardening, am hiding away in my room when I can and tear up at any given moment. At work I’ll feel snappy, anxious, stressed and take everything personally, and the amount of times I’ve declared I’m finding a new job, is probably unhealthy. But I do need to find a new job anyway, so that part is relevant. But sometimes, when that panic is building in your mind, the emotion is building in your chest and heart starts racing and your breathing quickens, that’s when everything begins to feel impossible. Either impossible to deal with, cope with, dream of, continue with and even just talking to someone or messaging them feels like a huge stressful action which adds to the dread. I won’t go on too much as it’s quite a personal thing for me and I prefer keeping my feelings fairly private, but yeah, I just wanted to touch lightly on where I am currently with life and how, despite everyone telling me how well I’m doing (given circumstances), inside I’m still fighting quite a big battle of emotions and spontaneous feelings of panic and being a failure. 😖
I havent even even been to Jazzercise this week… Monday I wasn’t well enough and Wednesday night was cancelled which was a huge disssapointment as I’d psyched myself up for it and I’d abandoned dinner I’d made to get there on time… But in hindsight it was just as well they’d cancelled as I had definitely left my water bottle at home, so I would have been flapping around like a dehydrated fish at a ‘Fame’ night if I’d been there without my water!
Once I’d returned home deflated but hungry, I gobbled my dinner and watched two episodes of Celebrity Masterchef which I’m surprisingly in to, and delved about in the fridge for my strawberries and yogurt! With a complementary bar of chocolate of course. Everything comes with a bar of chocolate these days! For me, not everyone! Obvs! 🍫😋
I always know where I am in life when I wake up of a morning and decide I want to get a dramatic hair cut… Which is what happened yesterday… Right, gather round, sssh, quietly, someone might hear! Ok, *whispering* I haven’t been to the hairdressers for 5 years! *resuming normal voice* I know I know, it’s hideously shocking and I am ashamed of myself, don’t worry! But it’s all rectified as I’ve booked an appointment this coming Saturday afternoon for a complete restyle! I want an Audrey Tautou! I’ve studied her short hair on google images (as you do) and it looks so cute, so that’s what I’m going to ask for. An Audrey Tautou. I’m not sure if it’s like the ‘Rachel’ phenomenon, or the ‘Meg Ryan’, but I’m not one to conform to any trend, so I’ll set my own! I’ve only ever had short hair once, five years ago funnily enough, and kind of liked it, but with a nicer style this time, I think I may just stick with it if she does it well enough. Yay! Haircut! ☺️
I’ll do a whole post-hair-cut-post after its done Saturday afternoon and hopefully without a Bailey’s bottle in hand! Although, it would be a nice treat… No Amy, the haircut is the treat! Slippery slope! Slippery slope! … Oooh, a slope with Bailey’s poured down it would be slippery…
A girl can dream… ✨