21st June 2015
So, exactly one month on since the worst day of my life.
I am not going to lie, there have been some lows, but there have been a surprising number of highs and I am very proud of the place I have reached. I was convinced that my foreseeable future was jeopardised when he broke up with me and that my remaining days on earth (of which I plan on there being many) would be filled with a heart break so crushing and a longing so un-ending, that I would not be able to live a normal life again. And don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly not out of the water yet and I’m having a roller coaster of emotions which can change hourly, but I have adopted the positive, hold-your-head-up attitude and just get on with your life. The life I had whilst I was with him was all that seemed to matter and my previous life and any life I thought of having along side that seemed pointless… But since that life with him has ended, the life I was dreading, so far, has been no where near as bad as I was expecting.
I have gone to Jazzercise, started this blog, re-found my love of books, gone on holiday and have enjoyed thinking of all the things I can now do with my own future.
I’ve made my life more colourful, I’ve rearranged my bedroom, I’ve created little corners of peace and pretty things, something I as defintely missing in my life before.
Being in my own pretty, comfortable space where I can decorate it as I wish, put things where I want and hang fairly lights on the wall is something I missed as I wasn’t living in my own place.
There is honestly nothing quite so comforting as being surrounded by your possessions and trinkets and books, being in the place which reflects your personality, your interests your soul.
Yesterday brought the day of removing every single last photo I had up of the two of us. I hadn’t found the strength in me to do that before as it made things feel very final on my part, some thing which I was still resisting. But as I looked at them, I realised that they only serve as a reminder that this is how it is and how it will stay… We are over and he will never want me back. And I’m ok with that.
And so down they came. Each and every one, just like he did the week after he ended things. And yes, it did seem final and it did feel like I myself was choosing to close the door on a love that had been so strong and on a future that had been so sure. But by doing it, by removing everything related to ‘us’, means I can cleanse the room I now hope to be a place of happiness, creativity and the hive for making new dreams and planning new adventures.
I made a point of making my room look nice yesterday… Replacing photos with post cards of my holiday, rearranging my zen table, reshuffling my bookshelf, lighting candles to represent a new beginning and using insence to help refresh the air. I have turned my room from a shrine to what I used to have with him, into a cosy, pretty and colourful dwelling where I can heal and be happy.
It is so important to make positive changes and take little steps to create a world which is safe and happy for you; a world where you feel at ease, where you be yourself and have your beautiful things around you, and a world where you you can express your personality. I consider myself very lucky to have a space in which to do this, and I suspect it is here I will become a stronger and healed person.
So, it is here I toast, with a cup of water in my hand (not quite the glass of Prosecco in the picture) to a new chapter; A chapter of being happy, healthy and excited for my future, a chapter of being creative, adventurous and colourful and a chapter of healing, learning and making my new dreams happen. ✨